1. You Can’t Put the Baby Down

Although you will love holding your baby in the early days, eventually, you have other things you need to do when they are napping. For example, you might need to clean the house, take a shower, or *gasp* take a break. Holding a newborn all day and night is great bonding. As your baby grows and becomes mobile, though, it simply becomes impractical.

Some babies can’t be put down to sleep. You rock, bounce, feed, or hold them to sleep. However, when you lay them down, they wake right up! You might find yourself holding the baby for an hour multiple times a day. Since young babies nap 2 to 6 times a day, depending on age, this is a LOT of time simply sitting and holding your baby. While this might work short-term, it becomes too difficult to keep up long-term, especially when you have other children!

SOLUTION: To address this sleep problem, once your baby is at least 8-12 weeks old, consider gentle sleep coaching.

2. Your Baby Eats Too Much at Night

Babies eat at night. That’s true. Newborns, in fact, need to eat every two hours in the early days. As they get older, babies can go every 3 hours as early as 8 weeks old. By 6 months old, most formula-fed babies are night-weaned and breastfed babies are waking just once a night.

But sometimes babies eat more at night than average … twice or three times at night. Although it may not seem too terrible to wake up twice a night, once you’re doing it for months on end, it is exhausting!

SOLUTION: The key to night feedings is to figure out what is developmentally appropriate for your baby and then night wean in a holistic way.

3. Your Baby Wakes Up Every Hour or Two All Night

Although waking up to feed your baby twice a night already sounds exhausting, sometimes sleep can be worse! Why is it that 4- to 6-month-olds sometimes wake up every 1-2 hours all night? Or 9-month-olds even? You wouldn’t believe it, but you could find that even your 18-month-old is waking up all night!

The reason babies wake up very frequently at night is usually due to sleep associations. A sleep association is exactly as it sounds: something we use to help ourselves fall asleep and, most importantly, stay asleep. And they are normal. However, when a baby is dependent on a parent to “do” something during each sleep cycle (or nearly every sleep cycle), this becomes a significant sleep problem to fix. This is what leads to frequent night waking.  

SOLUTION: To fix a sleep association problem, again, consider gentle sleep coaching as I mentioned in #1 above. For older babies or toddlers, you might consider sleep training using a method such as The Ferber Method.

4. Your Baby is Sleeping Well … But Waking Up Far Too Early

You may find yourself with a baby who is sleeping through the night but waking up before dawn and way too early! Although I am a morning person, doing “mom” things at 5 AM was downright exhausting. And, if you’re NOT a morning person, it could feel like torture and a punishment for something you did in a past life.

SOLUTION: Early waking for babies is almost always related to a scheduling problem. Usually, it means your baby is overtired at bedtime — though not always. Be sure to find an age-appropriate schedule for your baby as the very first step!

5. Your Baby Suddenly Starts Sleeping Terribly

There are many reasons why your great sleeper may suddenly start sleeping terribly. It may be due to health or developmental factors like a growth spurt, reaching a new milestone (like rolling over), a sleep regression, illness, or teething.  

SOLUTION: If it’s a phase, illness, or other temporary issue, simply wait it out. We all have “off” days, and babies are no different. After all, they aren’t robots, and they are going through many developmental milestones in a short amount of time! Try to address the root cause of the sleep problem. Sleep training doesn’t fix every problem!

While I have covered the most common baby sleep problems, babies go through many different changes in the first few years of life, and you may be having another issue not on this list. If that’s the case, know that you are not alone and there are solutions out there!

Nicole Johnson is the founder and lead pediatric sleep consultant of The Baby Sleep Site^®, earned her Bachelor of Arts from The University of California, Berkeley, became a Master of Business Administration at The Ohio State University, and is a board member of the International Association of Child Sleep Consultants (IACSC). With the help of her team of sleep consultants, she has helped over 50,000 families improve their sleep.

As a parent of two tweens, that’s hard to hear. I want to believe my kids were born with a special protective bubble around them that protects them from all the things, including eating disorders. Unfortunately, I know that just because I want to believe something, that doesn’t make it true. The reality is, we can’t assume our kids aren’t at risk of developing an eating disorder. The reality is that any of our kids could be among those 29 million.

Which means parents need to be prepared. Because when it comes to eating disorders, early detection is key — as is early intervention.

Signs of an Eating Disorder in Children

Eating disorders are generally characterized by a variety of behavioral, physical, and emotional signs, Elizabet Altunkara, Director of Education at the National Eating Disorders Association, tells SheKnows. They include:

Stephanie Roth, LCSW and owner of Intuitive Psychotherapy NYC, highlighted two additional signs that could signal an eating disorder. The first is a focus on being “healthy” because “when teens start focusing on ‘healthy,’ they often can’t distinguish healthy from thin, so they’ve conceptualized it as needing to lose weight.” The second is a desire to eat different things from friends and family at mealtime, which could be a sign of “frequent secretive eating happening or a lack of eating.”

Not All Eating Disorders Are Created Equal

While eating disorders tend to have a variety of attitudes and behaviors in common, signs of eating disorders can and do vary based on the eating disorder.

Most folks are familiar with anorexia nervosa — a disorder characterized by a fear of weight gain which leads to restricting calories — and bulimia nervosa—a disorder characterized by a cycle of bingeing and “compensatory behaviors” like purging or using laxatives, but those don’t compromise the full spectrum of eating disorders. There’s also binge eating disorder, orthorexia — characterized by a fixation on healthy eating — Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake Disorder (ARFID), Pica, and more.

A child suffering from anorexia is likely restricting their food intake, while a child suffering from bulimia may or may not be cutting out food in front of others, but you may find wrappers in the garbage or notice food disappearing from the house, says Roth.

When it comes to ARFID, children may begin limiting the range of their preferred foods, notes Altunkara, though not necessarily because they are concerned about their size.

While the range of behaviors makes identifying an eating disorder more complicated, if parents are noticing either significant weight gain or loss, or that their child has a new primary focus on weight loss, diet, and/or controlling food, then it’s time to act.

Once You Recognize the Signs, Seek Help

Parents who find themselves noticing any signs of an eating disorder should seek help immediately.

Altunkara writes that the “presence of any of these signs that your child may be struggling with an eating disorder is cause for serious concern. We recommend seeking professional help at the first sign of an eating disorder.”

Roth echoes that sentiment. “If you suspect someone is developing an eating disorder, it’s helpful to get ahead of it rather than wait until it feels more emergent.” She suggests getting an evaluation from an eating disorder specialist to know whether there’s a true concern. Parents can also involve their child’s pediatrician, who can take blood and monitor weight in a way that appears less threatening because it’s a routine most children are familiar with.

Parents should act even if their child is resistant or adamantly refusing to engage or admit there’s a problem. This is the time to use that parental authority, says Roth, who encourages parents to remember that eating disorders are medical conditions and should be treated as such. Eating disorders are not a phase, nor are they something kids will just “grow out of,” notes Altunkara. They are serious conditions, which, if left untreated during the childhood and teen years, could continue into adulthood.

Break the Silence

“Eating disorders breed in secret,” says Roth, but that doesn’t have to be the case. Parents can break the silence. She urges parents to approach their children and ask questions about how the kid sees themselves and what they’re worried about.

During the discussion, parents should avoid simply telling their children to eat or telling them they’re not fat — which is invalidating. Instead, it’s a good idea for parents to express their concerns and explain any steps they might be taking, whether that’s a doctor’s appointment or a consultation with a specialist, notes Altunkara.

Remember, It’s Not Your Fault … Or Your Child’s Fault

It can be easy for parents to blame themselves, to see an eating disorder as a result of their failure. It’s not. “It’s a failure of the culture,” says Roth, and there’s nothing to be ashamed of.

Eating disorders are “among the deadliest mental illnesses, second only to opioid overdose,” and unfortunately, our kids don’t come in an anti-eating-disorder protective bubble. Until that bubble is invented, the best thing we can do is be present, be aware of any signs, and seek help when we need it.

SheKnows

There is no question that just by virtue of their profession, pediatricians are among the most patient of doctors. Not only do they routinely have to deal with sick and unhappy children, but they also must manage the parents.

However, while in the throes of taking temperatures and soothing temper tantrums, there are many things pediatricians wish they could tell you. To begin with, they’re people too. “We may be pediatricians, but we are also human beings,” says board certified pediatrician Florencia Segura, MD, FAAP in Vienna, VA. “Our kids get sick and throw fits in the grocery store just like anyone else’s. We get the parenting struggle!”

With that in mind, here are some other things they’d like to get off their stethoscopes while listening to your child’s cough.

Sometimes We Don’t Have the Answers Right Away

“Keep in mind that it’s not always possible for everything to be solved over the phone. Sometimes we can diagnose a rash on Zoom or from the picture on our smartphones, but sometimes it is much better to be evaluated in the office.” — Max Lins, MD, Leesburg/Purcellville, VA

“We have been well trained but there are always cases that may arise where we don’t have an instant answer. A good pediatrician will tell you that they will need some more time for research and discussion with their colleagues. I have found that being open and honest with the families I serve has always been appreciated.” — Divina Lopez, MD, Brooklyn, NY

Know That We Believe You!

“Always trust your gut. Your motherly intuition is your superpower. My advice to you is, if the medical needs of your child are not being met by your doctor, it’s totally okay to switch. Don’t wait for approval from your friends and family—just do it! You deserve a pediatrician that listens to you, values you as a parent, and cares for the medical needs of your child.” — Maria Ortiz-Tweed, MD, Tampa FL

“When you tell us something is wrong with your baby or child, we believe you! We know that you know your child better than anyone else.” — Dr. Segura

But Please Don’t Self Diagnose

“Dr. Google is a great tool, and while it is good to educate ourselves about medical things, it is not a substitute for a professional evaluation. Also, for the new moms out there, try not to listen to your parents all the time. Half of what they did back then was wrong or has changed.” — Dr. Lins

When They Swallow Bleach, Don’t Call Us, Call Poison Control

“As a physician and a mom, I really wish more parents knew about Poison Control. It’s a judgement-free zone because trust me, they have heard it all! Even the most conscientious parents find themselves needing Poison Control. Your little witch just marinated herself in glow stick fluid? Poison Control. Your gifted kindergartner just ate a chunk of drywall? Poison Control. Your teen just pranked you by putting eye drops in your coffee? Ground him… and use Poison Control. I tell every parent I know to save 1(800)222-1222 and POISON.ORG in their phones, and don’t hesitate to use this amazing—and free—resource.” — Kelly Johnson-Arbor, MD, Washington, DC

Bring Your Questions, But Please Stay on Topic

“Always come prepared to your visits with questions. We’d rather answer them while you are in the office and not at 11 pm. Also, if your appointment is for your son, don’t spend half of the time with your doctor asking questions about your daughter.” — Dr. Lins

It’s Not Always an Emergency When Your Kid Gets Sick

“Fever is not dangerous! It is part of your body’s immune system fighting an infection.” — Dr. Adler 

“Getting sick sometimes is a normal part of life. It actually helps us build immunity. Fever does not need to be scary, sometimes it is a good indicator of an illness. There is no right temperature that requires you to take your child to the Emergency room. Also, your child does not need antibiotics for a cold just because their mucous turns green. Duration of the illness is key!” — Dr. Lins

Please Vaccinate Your Children — We Do! 

“I wish more parents understood the importance of keeping their children up to date on all recommended vaccines. Although most parents believe in the safety and effectiveness of vaccines, misinformation has caused fear among some parents. I often say to parents: You would never put your child in a car without a seatbelt so why would you risk sending them to school without recommended vaccinations? As a pediatrician, I encourage parents to ask questions and openly share their concerns so that I can listen and provide straightforward answers and offer advice.” — Patricia N. Whitley-Williams, MD, president of the National Foundation for Infectious Diseases (NFID), New Brunswick, NJ

“We vaccinate our kids according to the recommended American Academy of Pediatrics schedule because we want to protect our kids from preventable and sometimes life-threatening illnesses as soon as we possibly can. We know that the vaccines we recommend are safe and effective.” — Dr. Segura

Don’t Take Your Newborn to the Mall

“Please avoid taking your newborn to crowded public places for the first two months of life—before the first set of vaccinations. Keep your baby home, and make sure visitors always wash their hands before touching your precious baby. Remember, you are the parents, you make the rules, no matter what others say or think!” — Dr. Ortiz-Tweed

It’s Perfectly Fine to Give Your Baby Formula

“We will never judge you as a parent if you decide to formula feed. We know how challenging breastfeeding and pumping are. Many of us pediatricians have had to supplement with formula or completely switch over to formula to feed our own babies. Your baby will be fine, and yes, your baby can grow up to be anything they wish to be—as evidenced by this doctor/mom who was formula-fed as a baby.” — Dr. Segura

Stop Size-Stressing

“At the pediatrician visit, your child’s height and weight percentiles are not their report card! Parents often come in the office asking, ‘What percent is he/she at?’ If, for instance, your child is at the 10th percentile for height, that could be normal if that is where your child has been trending on previous measurements. The same height percentile could be concerning if it represents a sudden drop from prior measurements. Most importantly, we care about your child’s growth trend and not the absolute percentile number.” —Dr. Segura

Give Things a Little Time to Resolve

“When you give a fever reducer medication like Tylenol or ibuprofen, wait a while for the fever to come down; think of body temperature as a thermostat. If your child is sick and not eating, hydration is more important; their appetite will come back when the illness resolves. Also, when your child has many colds during the year, it does not mean he/she is immunodeficient.” — Dr. Lins

Quit with the Comparisons

“Please try not to compare your child’s developmental milestones to a peer or a sibling! It’s not a race! If your child is slower to walk and run, that does not mean they cannot be a college athlete! Similarly, being the earliest talker won’t ensure they will be the valedictorian of their high school! If you have specific developmental concerns, talk to your pediatrician as we are here to help.” — Dr. Segura 

“Your child is not your mini-me. Often parents view their children as a smaller version of themselves which can cause some very harmful and unhealthy emotional damage to their child without even realizing it.  When a child feels this comparison or pressure to be someone that they are not it may affect their self-esteem and confidence, especially when they cannot live up to their parents’ expectations.” — Dr. Lopez.

Remember that Drowning Can Happen Really Fast

“Children must be supervised at all times when they’re in water. Most parents do not know that a child can drown in less than two inches of water! In other words, a child can drown in an inflatable pool, a bathtub, a sink, a toilet bowl, or even a bucket. Basically, anywhere there’s standing water, especially at home!  And it only takes 20 seconds for a child to drown, according to the US Army Corps of Engineers. The risk of drowning is real.” — Dr. Ortiz-Tweed

Please Keep in Mind That “the Doctor’s Office” is Our Workspace

“Does your toddler really need to eat goldfish in my office?  I’d prefer if they wait 20 minutes and have their snack — and leave their crumbs — in your car. Also, please don’t throw your baby’s stinky diaper in my garbage, I need to spend the rest of the day here.” — Dr. Adler 

Don’t Forget That a Little Thanks Goes a Long Way!

“Our front desk and nurses are vital part of our practice, don’t take things out on them if you are stressed.” — Dr. Lins

“We are privileged to care for children, but this job can also be grueling, especially during a pandemic. You would be surprised how few people will thank us for all of the middle-of-the-night calls, weekends, etc. that we do daily. A note of gratitude or a holiday card goes a very long way, and we absolutely love receiving them!” — Dr. Segura

In my nearly 19 years of parenting, there have been many (many, many) situations where I didn’t know what to say. In those moments, the pressure to choose the right words can feel so immense. Am I reacting in a way that sends the message I want to send? Will I fail them, and they’ll remember it for the rest of their lives? When they’re teenagers, these moments feel even more critical somehow — like saying the wrong thing could send them spiraling down a path of self-destruction. I’m sure a big part of that fear is just my worry-prone mom brain in action, but our teens really do need our guidance a whole lot during these years, whether they wanna admit it or not. And I don’t know about you, but I’d love to feel more confident in giving it to them … so I set out to find some answers.

What To Say to Teens

“Teens, developmentally speaking, have a high need for independence and a lack of judgment, especially from their parents,” says clinical psychologist Hannah Yang, Psy.D., CEO and founder of Balanced Awakening. Dr. Yang tells SheKnows that teens need to figure things out for themselves and be allowed to make their own mistakes and learn from that “real life” experience: “That’s a framework to keep in mind when thinking about how to support your teen and what you might say.”

Clinical and educational psychologist Aura De Los Santos, specialist at E-HEALTH project, says, “Our teens need to hear direction, but not from an authoritarian position that creates fear.” Rather, De Los Santos tells SheKnows, teens need to feel understood, and our job is to guide them through their confusion. She suggests using phrases like, “‘You did it wrong, but you can learn from it,’ ‘We all make mistakes but it is important that you learn about the situation,’ ‘I understand how you feel, and I know it is not an easy situation,’ or ‘Even if you don’t want to talk now, I want you to know that I will be waiting for you to be ready.'”

Dr. Yang offers additional suggestions: “Some other things that might be good to say to a teen are, ‘What do you need from me right now?’ and ‘Would you like my help/thoughts/support right now?’ Asking questions like this is a way to let the teen know that you are there for them, but in a way that gives the power and autonomy to the teen to decide what and if they need their parents’ help.”

What Not To Say to Teens

“Because I’m the parent, that’s why.” Don’t get me wrong here — our kids should absolutely respect our parental decisions! But according to Dr. De Los Santos, using this particular phrase isn’t doing anybody any favors: “Here you are not giving them details, there is no assertive response to the situation, and there is no understanding of the teenager’s actions.” The ultimate goal, she says, is that they don’t do things just because an authority figure dictates it, but because they understand the importance of the advice and support their parents give. And they’ll never understand that our advice is important if they feel we’re not listening, and simply shutting them down with “because I said so.”

“It’s not that big of a deal.” While we might feel like saying this will make our teens realize they shouldn’t be so upset about something small, it actually sends the message that their parents don’t care that they’re upset. Dr. De Los Santos tells SheKnows that this comes across as a lack of empathy, which only serves to diminish how our kids feel instead of validating it. “This can make them feel bad and misunderstood and unwilling to share other things,” she says.

“You can’t do that, you don’t know anything about that.” Yes, teenagers do think they know everything, and it’s tempting to knock that know-it-all attitude down a few pegs — but Dr. De Los Santos says that even though they are more inexperienced than they think they are, we should watch our phrasing: “Saying it this way can affect teens’ self-esteem.”

“Why did you do that? What were you thinking?” Dr. Yang advises avoiding questions like these that can come off as accusatory or blaming/shaming. “Better to take a time out from your teen and not say anything until you can convey your concern or upset in a way that’s less ‘judgy,'” she says. “Doing so will help to preserve your relationship with the teen and help keep it feeling safe for them to come to you in the future when they need help, or just want to connect.”

How to Build Teens Up In the ‘In-Between’ Moments

Even when we’re not being confronted with a nerve-wracking parental situation involving our teenagers, they’re still listening to what we say in the day-to-day (believe it or not!) — especially when we’re bolstering their confidence about decisions they’ve made or things they’re doing.

Dr. Yang reminds us to keep our eyes on the positives. “It’s easy as a parent of teens to focus on any ‘problem’ behaviors you might be seeing. But if you can instead focus on anything — or lots of things — that the teen is doing well with, that makes a huge positive impact on the teen’s development and your relationship with them,” she says. “Even saying things like ‘I noticed you kept your cool when you didn’t get your preferred part in the musical,’ or, ‘The C you got on that math test shows you’ve been working hard to learn the material!’ The more we can turn our attention to what we’re liking and appreciating about our teen, the more likely they are to feel supported and want to open up and share more of their world with us.”

Additionally, Dr. Yang recommends trying as best we can (though it’s definitely hard!) to keep our judgments, and our own biases, in check. “The more a parent can get ahold of their own ‘stuff’ or anxiety around what their teens behavior brings up for them, the better,” she says. “The more nonjudgmental and open of an approach a parent can take, and genuinely mean it, the better.”

De Los Santos recommends honing in on four key points when it comes to developing and maintaining a positive relationship with our teens.

Establishing effective communication. “That is, communication where parents listen to their children, validate their emotions, and validate them in a way where they learn from their experiences,” she says.

Strengthening their self-esteem. De Los Santos reiterates the importance of focusing more on the good than on the bad: “Parents should highlight positive aspects of their children and motivate them to be better every day.” Also, she says, we should let them see that it is normal to have weaknesses and reassure them that as they grow, they’ll be able to turn those into strengths.

Creating an environment of trust. The more comfortable our teens feel expressing their fears, concerns, beliefs, and values, says De Los Santos, the more likely they’ll be to come to us about issues they’re having — and trust our advice.

Spending quality time with them. Finally, she advises hanging out with your kids as much as possible (we’ve got some expert advice on doing that, too!) — it’s so important for their mental health, she says.

And when it comes to convincing them to spend quality time — which can be tricky — Dr. Yang has further advice. “With teens, I think it’s always great to sit back and observe,” she says. “Give them space, but approach them with curiosity when you notice they are passionate about or engaged with something. Ask them a question about what interests them about what you see them engaging in. Ask them about how they feel about a certain situation.”

No matter how much expert advice we get on what to say to teens, there are still going to be those times when even the most innocuous comment will garner an irritated response (or at the very least, an epic eye roll). And there are no guarantees we’ll never say anything wrong, because parenting teenagers is a near-constant string of scenarios we’re just not sure how to handle. But with these guidelines to follow, we can at least be a little more assured that we’re on the right track — and, just maybe, convince our kids that we know what we’re talking about after all.

These celebrity parents are sharing the struggle — and sweetness — of raising teenagers.

You may not be able to do anything about those teenage social media spats, but what you can do is make yourself available as a trustworthy confidante — without being too intrusive or cringe-inducing, of course. It’s a fine line, but if you get it right, you can stay connected with your teen even though you’re no longer the main object of their affection like you were when they were a toddler.

“Your teen may not want to share everything with you, the same way as you wouldn’t want to share your romantic interests with your parents,” licensed clinical psychologist Kevon Owen tells SheKnows. “But if they do share, don’t make them regret the decision.” In other words: No breaking their confidence to other family members. “Your teenager’s first relationship is not only going to teach them how to be in a relationship; it’s also going to teach them how their family will handle their first relationship,” says Owen. “Keep the doors open.”

And when it comes to sharing, psychotherapist Emily Roberts warns parents not to give advice — or launch into a “when I was your age” monologue about their own dating experiences — right off the bat. “Sometimes, parents want to share too much right after their teen is vulnerable. But being vulnerable is exhausting, and they may not have the energy to hear you yet. And that could lead to a potential argument,” she tells SheKnows. Her advice? “Instead of recounting your high school relationships, ask if they want to hear about it sometime rather than that moment; it leaves the door open for the next conversation.”

Roberts also warns parents against expressing any judgments about their teen’s partner. “Many young women I work with have a lot of anxiety about talking to their parents about romantic relationships, even as adults, due to early experiences as teens,” she says. “Sarcasm is something adults use often; understand that your teen takes it as invalidation. Saying things like, ‘You really like that guy?’ makes your teen feel like their feelings are wrong.” Plus, it acts as a barrier to communication, meaning your teen is unlikely to come to you the next time they have something they want to share.

If you’re concerned that your teen is too young or too immature to start dating, resist the temptation to shut down the conversation with, “You’re too young.” By all means, consider your child’s age — but also consider their developmental age (how old they act, their emotional maturity). Both can be indicators of relationship readiness, licensed marriage and family therapist Carrie Krawiec tells SheKnows. “Ask your teen what they think being in a relationship at their age means, and avoid the impulse to be judgmental or disparaging; they’ll only become defensive, dishonest, or hit you with countless reasons why you’re wrong.”

Instead, use your teen’s response to guide your ideas of what age-appropriate relationship behaviors are (as well as age-appropriate ways of coping with the feelings that first relationship might trigger). As part of the ongoing conversation, explain to your teen what you expect from them — for example, ongoing socialization with other peers (in other words, they shouldn’t ditch their friends for their date), continued interest in and commitment to their classes and extracurricular activities, keeping bedroom doors open at all times, etc.

When you both set out your expectations clearly, you and your teen know where you stand, and it feels more like a two-way conversation than a parental lecture. “You can easily monitor and track whether your teen is meeting your expectation and their own stated values about an age-appropriate relationship,” says Krawiec.

So don’t panic about your teen’s first real relationship (Are they having sex? Are they going to get dumped? Are they going to be led astray?!). Instead, try to see it not only as an inevitable part of life, but also as a learning experience for both of you — and an opportunity to guide your teen toward making healthy, positive relationship choices. A big part of this is ensuring they know their rights in a relationship, says Roberts.

“My teen patients often say that their parents told them they don’t have to date someone if they don’t like them, etc., but they never discussed the other crucial rights,” such as consent, she reveals. “By helping your child define their boundaries and set their values, and reminding them that they have a voice and rights in a relationship, you can help them make more confident relationship choices.”

Remind your teen that their rights in a relationship include:

• The right to say no to anything that makes them feel uncomfortable
• The right to their own personal space and alone time
• The right to act according to their values
• The right to express their wants and needs to their partner
• The right to take things at their own pace
• The right to be treated with respect
• The right to refuse sexual advances, regardless of what they’ve done in the past
• The right to end any relationship

Remember, every teenager is different, every relationship is different, and your own relationship experiences are unique to you. There’s no rule book when it comes to handling your teen’s first dates — or their first breakup. But with patience, love, honesty and gentle guidance, you can help keep your teen on cloud nine for as long as possible (or at least be the person they want to catch them when they come crashing down).

The holiday falls on the third Monday in February, and it’s when the federal government honors the birth of founding father/first president George Washington, who was born on Feb. 22, 1732. But not every state recognizes the holiday the same way.

In some states, such as Arizona, Presidents’ Day is also meant to acknowledge Abraham Lincoln’s birthday (Feb. 12, 1809). Other states, such as Alabama, choose to celebrate Thomas Jefferson’s birthday (April 13, 1743) alongside Washington’s. Then you have states like California and Minnesota, which use the day to honor all of the nation’s presidents, both past and present.

Confusing, right? As you may know from experience, explaining the holiday’s complex origins to children can be difficult. Perhaps that’s why so many schools choose instead to focus on some of the positive aspects of past presidents: Washington was a war hero; Lincoln helped abolish slavery; Jefferson was a world traveler; Theodore Roosevelt loved the outdoors and formally established many national parks.

Though the lesson books often gloss over the more controversial aspects of these presidents’ lives — for example, many of them were slave owners — teachers and parents have long pointed to the positive changes so many of our presidents set in motion in the past. Unfortunately, since former-President Trump’s scandal-ridden presidency and the resulting aftermath of accusations and subpoenas, the office that once inspired millions of people to be better versions of themselves is now one that many parents feel they must shield their children from.

So how do you even begin broaching the topic of U.S. presidents past and present with impressionable kids? And how can you spend this holiday as a family doing something your kids will love and learn from? Read on for some ideas.

Honesty is the best policy

There’s a longstanding myth that Washington could not tell a lie. According to the legend, 6-year-old Washington chopped down his father’s favorite cherry tree, and instead of placing the blame elsewhere, he took full responsibility himself. Lincoln, too, prided himself as a truth-telling man — and earned the moniker “Honest Abe.”

Today, it grows ever harder to distinguish between fact and fiction, with journalism under attack and so much misinformation in everyone’s Facebook feed.

This Presidents’ Day holiday, the best parents can do is have a frank discussion with children about the merits of being honest and kind. If you’re looking to have a little more fun, you can play the game Two Truths and a Lie. In addition to having a few laughs, you’ll get to teach your kid how to think critically and use their judgment to recognize false assertions.

Advocate for others.

One of the qualities we look for in a leader is compassion. In an age of children being locked in cages at the U.S.-Mexico border, it can be hard to remember past leaders have done remarkable things to help the underserved and marginalized. For an example that’s likely from your child’s lifetime, President Barack Obama fought to pass marriage-equality laws and welcomed Syrian refugees fleeing from a terrible crisis.

To teach your children about outreach and service, you can volunteer together at a local homeless shelter or spend the day gathering school supplies for kids in need. Or you could simply watch a fun movie with a message — try Finding Nemo for younger kids and Cyberbully for older kids — and then discuss the importance of defending others and doing what’s right.

Explore the great outdoors.

Teddy Roosevelt couldn’t get enough of the United States’ stunning scenery, from the Grand Canyon to Yosemite Valley. Not only did he create five national parks, but he also oversaw the creation of bird sanctuaries and national forests. During Trump’s first year in office, on the other hand, he diminished the size of national lands to open the areas up for drilling and hunting. Environmentalists who were angered by the move argue that allowing drilling could potentially have irreparable impacts on U.S. habitats and wildlife.

This holiday, opt to spend a little time outside. Take your kids on a leisurely hike in the mountains, grab your bikes and hit the trails, dip your toes at the beach or a lake. Or just head to the park with a picnic basket for a relaxing lunch. If you’re an urban family and those options are unattainable, cuddle up on the couch and watch a nature documentary. Throughout the day, you can talk about why it’s so important to take care of the planet.

Learn about another culture.

One of the fundamental roles of the president is to engage diplomatically with other nations. President Franklin Delano Roosevelt took foreign relations to another level when he helped establish the United Nations in 1945. Today, representatives from 193 states meet at the U.N. to discuss various ways to create a healthier, safer world for everyone.

Of course, diplomacy doesn’t just boil down to negotiations and hard-hitting talking points. To connect with another leader, the president must also have a basic understanding of that country’s culture. What are the foods they eat? What are some of their traditions? What’s their language?

Shake things up by trying a new cuisine with your kids — either at home or a restaurant. Or pick a spot on the map and research some fun facts. You may just find your next travel destination while you’re at it.

Talk about the future.

Perhaps most importantly, talk to your children about the future of our country. This doesn’t have to be a daunting conversation in which you explain to them that the fate of the nation rests in their tiny hands. Instead, you can ask them what they would do if they were president. Who knows? You could be parenting a future president right this moment.

A version of this story was originally published in February 2018.

My beautiful chocolate girl, my daughter, my heart. How do I teach her to love herself in today’s racist society? In a world where she’s encouraged to dim her radiant light? Where people who look like us are killed simply for the color of their skin? How do I teach her to trust in her own capabilities, gifts, judgements, and just know beyond the shadow of a doubt that all of who she was purposely crafted to be is more than enough? How do I teach her to love herself against all odds? To lift her head up high, and rest assured that brilliance, strength, virtue and worth is what runs throughout her veins?

How do I teach her that her melanin skin is more lovely than the finest gold? How do I teach her to know that even if she’s the only chocolate girl in a room she enters, that she is infused and equipped with everything she needs to be present in that space? How do I teach her to love her skin, hair, features and persona without ever having to second-guess if she’s good enough?

I reassure her daily that her tresses are perfectly coiled and wonderfully made. I intentionally glorify her magnificent skin.

“Mommy, can I get my hair straight?” she asks. “It looks nicer that way.”

“Mommy, I know we are Black, but I’m caramel, right?

“Mommy, I know Black is beautiful, so why are some girls considered better than others based on the color of their skin, or the type of hair they have?”

These are some of the questions my daughter has asked me, since she was very young. These words brought me to the harsh realization: That it is truly crucial for me to enlighten my Black daughter about just how incredible her existence truly is. Her questions made me aware of the sad reality that to some individuals, being Black is not considered to be great or good enough; in fact, it’s not even valued at all.

But then, as a parent, I have to ask myself my own questions.

Am I confident in my skin? Do I celebrate myself and who I embody totally? Do I love and adore my skin and curly thick hair just the way it was made? Do I value my voice, stance, worth and Blackness? Am I completely confident being a Black woman in this world?

Honestly, and sadly, I have to answer “no” to some of those questions.

Our children are constantly watching us. They are taking notes, learning lessons, and picking up life skills whether we can see it or not. So what message are we delivering? What are we saying to them, even in those times when we don’t utter a word? What blueprint are we creating for them? Are we instilling virtues and gems that will contribute to their wholeness, self-confidence and overall wellbeing?

This is how am I teaching my Black daughter self-confidence: It begins with me.

I am constantly striving to embody the model of confidence that I hope my daughter will embody, too. A graceful yet strong woman who is whole and satisfied with every aspect of her self-image. A woman who loves the skin that’s she’s in and is not afraid to lift her voice. A woman who is poised and does not look to today’s culture, society or beliefs to form her identity. A woman who is unapologetic.

Do I fail my mission at times? Of course. But then, I vow in my heart to simply get back up again. Because it is so crucial for me to infuse self worth, self love, confidence, and strength into my daughter‘s being — and I can only do that if I start with myself. I affirm my daughter daily. I remind her of her resilience, intelligence, and wit. I teach her that greatness is huge part of her genetic makeup, and that her skin color is pretty magnificent. I remind her not to allow the opinion of others to influence what she thinks about herself, and to never apologize for being who she was destined to be. I present visuals of other astounding Black women in various spaces and walks of life. We look in the mirror with our heads held up high, and we affirm ourselves daily.

To my beautiful chocolate girl, and to all the chocolate girls of the world: Whenever you feel broken, less than, or not worthy, please remember just how exquisite, divine, and astonishing you are.

So here I am again, still singing. In my best Beyoncé voice. “Brown skin girl / Your skin just like pearls / The best thing in the world / Never trade you for anybody else.”

These history-making Black moms were (and are!) paving the way for women everywhere.

Before we take another look at all that kissing and hugging stuff, though, let’s assume that you’re already way ahead of the game; let’s assume you pre-quizzed your mate to ensure you’re with a partner who’s compatible with how you feel about sharing affection in front of others. You know, like when you asked them, “on a scale of one to 10, with 10 being the most publicly affectionate couple you’ve ever seen, what would you say your number would be?” You did remember to ask this vital question, right? Right. Then, you told them how you felt, and you were really honest too, right? Right! OK, the fact that the two of you are really compatible and a true team when it comes to affection is going to make it a whole lot easier to teach your kids about some of the most magical parts of being human.  

Compatible, affectionate parents are perfectly positioned to teach their children about sexuality, consent, touch, and more. Knowing how affection works gives our children the gift of lifelong confidence in a world that’s unfortunately filled with sexual shame. Teaching our children healthy and respectful ways to love those around them, and to be loved in return, lays a powerful foundation.

Healthy affection teaches important messages about consent, too; children need our help internalizing into their very bodies the truth that consent can never be forced. Pressuring kids, as in, “c’mon, kiss your grandmother!” or “go ahead, give Uncle Mike a hug!” counters this message. We want our children’s brains and bodies to both know this truth: You never have to give anyone affection if you don’t want to.  

There is a challenge in getting children comfortable enough to talk to parents about sex — and about masturbation, puberty, and more. And let’s face it: Plenty of parents don’t want to have these conversations.

But there is one major reason kids and parents are so uncomfortable talking about sex stuff. Usually, we presume that we have to jump in with the most awkward — that is, the most explicit topics first: the birds and the bees, sperm and eggs, and all that. And for many kids, that can feel like too much too soon — because human sexuality doesn’t start with “XXX” in nature or in human development. Sexuality starts with a lot of safer, more comfortable topics like first crushes and how we might ask for consent before trying to hold hands. Because we all know what it means when someone extends their hand to us, sometimes we don’t even need words.

And when you give affection to your partner, and talk about it with your child, you’re introducing one of the most natural, warm and kind ways you can begin teaching your kids about sexuality.

Here are five reasons why you and your partner should hop on the PDA-in-front-of-the-kids train.

It shows that affection is normal and healthy.

Affection is normal because we are a social species. We use touch to communicate positive messages of caring. Oh yeah, and touch feels good. Simple touch lowers levels of cortisol, a stress hormone. Because of this fun fact, watch out: Affection is essentially addictive.

It teaches kids that affection between adults in love looks different and is different than that between kids and parents.

Sure, you know the difference but, remember: They’re kids. How can they know there’s a difference between platonic touch and potentially-sexual touch if they can’t see a difference? That’s one reason kids express so much disgust when parents kiss; they are confused. Help them out.

Affection promotes a partner’s sense of profound, meaningful connection.

That’s because safe touches increse levels of oxytocin, the hormone that helps glue us together via social bonding. Which leads to the next point: That sense of human connection increases the odds we’ll feel secure. And, through fostering that authentic sense of connection …

Affection promotes a child’s sense of security and builds their confidence.  

And, best for last: 

Being affectionate with your mate models loving behavior, which will give your kids better odds of future success in finding the love they are going to need and deserve.

So that someday they, too, can enjoy grossing out their kids every time they kiss in front of them.

Physical affection really does correlate with positive outcomes in romance. And why wouldn’t it? More oxytocin, less cortisol, more fun, less buzzkill. If you haven’t tried affection yet, trust me: It’s pretty good. Let’s teach our kids that our bodies make the best and healthiest drugs in the world (marketing slogan: “Millions of years in development!”), so feel free to kiss your partner in front of your kids. Then, you can even say, “I’m sorry, kids, I just can’t help it. I’m addicted.”   

Hopefully, no one will find a cure.    

A version of this post was originally published in 2019.

Coloring books give your kids a chance to work on coordination and fine motor skills, and to be totally imaginative and creative. We put together several different Valentine’s Day coloring pages — from hearts to animals to cupids — so they can celebrate the holiday with their own unique color schemes.

Whether kids choose a loveable zebra, a heart-holding bear or a fun-loving cupid, they’ll have a great time on Valentine’s Day with these printables. And hey, why not let them color outside the lines on this one? Love tends to get a little messy anyway.

A version of this article was originally published in March 2014.

When the “T” word popped up, it would have been easy to dismiss this change of heart. Transferring is one of the bravest — and most stressful — things your kid can contemplate, so it would have been way more convenient to hope he wasn’t serious about a) starting the application process again and b) adjusting to an entirely different school — two years in a row.

Because I know my child as well as I do, I knew this wasn’t idle chatter or the words of a homesick kid. So, instead of dismissing these sentiments, I leaned in — and learned. What unfolded were hours of discussion about what he really wanted, where he wanted to spend his next few years and, most important, what institution would give him the biggest boost into the real world.

Those conversations were intense and important. I did my best not to impose my own feelings or reminisce about my own college journey and, instead, really hear what he was saying. And, while I knew the next few months of transfer applications and essays would be challenging, I prepared to sit in the passenger seat as he drove his way to the ultimate goal of finding a college that would be a way better fit.

As the flurry of activity kicked in, it really helped to consider the fact that the choices you make as a senior in high school don’t always track when you actually set foot on a campus. That’s as true for our kids as it was for us and, if you start with this premise, it will help you along the way, agrees Laurie Kopp Weingarten, CEP, president and chief educational consultant at One-Stop College Counseling, a college counseling company in Marlboro, New Jersey.

“It’s essential to recognize that students evolve throughout their college years,” she says. “They may not be the same person at 19 or 20 as they were at 17 or 18 years old. Their likes/dislikes and priorities may have shifted.”

And, while I didn’t have an expert like Weingarten to guide me along the way when I was going through this a few years ago, I’m happy to report that my son is thriving at his new university. Read on as Weingarten shares a few key things to keep in mind if your child is getting ready to switch schools:

SheKnows: What would you say to parents who might think there’s a stigma to transferring schools?

Weingarten: There’s no stigma attached to transferring. College is arguably the most significant investment a parent [or young adult] makes, second only to buying a home. All parents want their students to be content and to thrive at their college of choice. It can be a long four years for a teenager if they’re miserable, so the option to transfer should be considered. Everyone, teens and adults, performs better when they’re happy. No one should feel “married” to their university; if it’s not the right fit, it’s reasonable to explore other options. Students should not feel obligated to remain at their school.

SheKnows: What advice would you give to parents to help their student who is contemplating a transfer?

Weingarten: Parents should begin the discussion by asking (and listening carefully!) about the reasons behind their student’s desire to transfer. Some reasons may be clear-cut and logical, such as wanting to pursue a major not offered at their current college or choosing to be closer to home to support a sick relative. However, other reasons may require further exploration, such as experiencing roommate challenges or not having a Starbucks nearby! Parents should help their teens decide whether transferring makes sense for them and encourage their student to explore the idea further. Teens should be able to verbalize what they find dissatisfying and they should be able to express their aspirations for their new college and experience. 

SheKnows: Once this conversation occurs, what are next steps? It can be scary to consider a second school, especially if the first one didn’t work out.

Weingarten: Students should thoroughly research colleges they hope to transfer into, ensuring that they won’t experience the same issues at the new institution. They should also try to speak to students on those campuses to learn about the college’s culture, lifestyle, and academic environment.  

SheKnows: What about the costs involved — new sets of application fees, or perhaps the new school will be more expensive?

Weingarten: Parents and students should establish clear expectations. It’s important to discuss potential financial implications, academic and career goals, and any other important factors. This ensures everyone will be on the same page regarding the decision to transfer and the anticipated outcome.

SheKnows: What’s something parents should work hard to avoid?

Weingarten: In my experience working primarily with high-achieving students, I’ve encountered situations where parents have advocated for their teens to transfer, often with the goal of “trading up” and having their child graduate with a degree from a “brand name” school. Parents should focus on the student’s well-being and academic fit and make sure they are transferring for the right reasons. That’s what matters most.

Before you go, check out what these celeb parents had to say about their kids heading off to college.