We can understand the temptation, though. Let’s say, for example, your marriage is pretty much fine. You get along well, you’re good co-parents, you’ve invested a lot of time and effort into this partnership… but you’re just not sexually compatible anymore. At least one of you isn’t feeling fulfilled, for whatever reason. Why blow up the whole marriage when you could just open up your relationship and have your sexual needs met elsewhere?

That’s essentially the case for one woman on Reddit, who shared her story on the site’s Am I the Asshole? forum recently. Our OP (aka original poster, or the author of the post) is dealing with a classic dead bedroom issue with her husband and is at her wit’s end. She’s suggested an open marriage to avoid divorce, but after her husband’s response, now she’s wondering if she was an asshole for even bringing it up. Keep reading for the full story and Reddit’s response.

We mean talking about what feels good and what you’re consenting to — making sure everyone is on the same page before the fun kicks off — as well as establishing some clear boundaries. Sometimes one partner will be more interested in watching than participating; other times, everyone wants an equal share of the physical action. And that type of communication is exactly where one couple on Reddit is struggling.

This couple has pursued threesomes for the majority of their relationship, inviting other women into their bedroom and having a great time doing it. But a recent encounter ended badly, with the wife (aka our OP, or the author of the post) feeling like she’d been cheated on in the middle of her own threesome. She shared her experience with the Reddit r/relationship advice forum, and Redditors were more than ready to weigh in on the “tricky” situation. Keep reading for the full story.

If there’s one thing that Drs. John and Julie Gottman want every couple to know, it’s that fighting is normal. In fact, Julie tells SheKnows, 69 percent of all problems within a relationship are what the Gottmans call perpetual issues, meaning they don’t necessarily get solved… ever. “Don’t freak out about it,” says Julie, a clinical psychologist. “It’s normal.”

The Gottmans are both relationship experts, cofounders of The Gottman Institute, and co-authors of multiple bestselling books on love and marriage, so they know a few things about couples in conflict. Now they’re sharing that knowledge in their new book, Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict Into Connection, which has a simple but revolutionary thesis: that fighting with your partner, far from being a bad thing, is actually an opportunity for emotional intimacy. “Conflict has a goal,” says John, a professor emeritus of psychology at the University of Washington. “The goal is mutual understanding, as opposed to winning… It’s really a way we can get closer.” In other words, an argument with your partner isn’t a battle with a winner and a loser; it’s a collaboration, a way to connect.

It’s a nice way to think about it, but how do you actually do that in real life, when your blood’s boiling, your voice is raised, and this person you love looks more like an adversary? The Gottmans boiled down their decades of research into a few tangible tips for turning your arguments into moments of connection, and while doing so, they also unearthed several common mistakes preventing that from happening. Below, check out six things to avoid in your next argument with your partner and what to do instead.

Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict Into Connection

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Mistake #1: You’re coming in too hot.

The beginning of your argument or conflict conversation is extremely important, and not only for how the conversation is going to go. According to their research, Julie says, “the first three minutes of a conflict conversation predict with 96 percent accuracy how the rest of that conversation is going to go, and also [with 90 percent accuracy]… how the rest of the relationship is going to go,” up to six years down the line. That’s a lot of pressure to put on those first three minutes, but the Gottmans say there’s a formula that can help you succeed — and a few things to avoid.

Many people enter a conflict conversation by “dropping a bomb”: lobbing a verbal grenade and launching a surprise attack on their partner. This can look like harsh criticism of your partner (“You’re such a slob”), jumping into what they’re doing wrong (“Why can’t you just do the dishes for once?”), or piling on any other issues that have been bothering you, aka “kitchen sinking” (“I shouldn’t be surprised — it’s not like you ever do laundry or clean up after the kids.”).

Instead, the Gottmans suggest starting with a strategy they’ve observed in their most successful couples, aka the “masters of love.” There are three parts to it:

Start with your feelings: Whether you’re upset, stressed, angry, or sad, say what you’re feeling before you even get to talking about your partner.

State the situation that’s causing the feeling. Julie emphasizes that you want to point out a situation here (the dishes aren’t done), not a personality flaw of your partner (the dishes aren’t done because your partner is lazy).

Say what you need in a positive way. The Gottmans call this a positive need, meaning, you’re not telling your partner to stop doing something, but rather what they can do to fix the issue. It’s the difference between “Stop being so lazy” and “Can you do the dishes while I’m putting the kids to bed?” Your partner becomes your collaborator rather than your adversary.

Put together, this would look something like: “It stresses me out when you don’t do the dishes after I’ve cooked all evening. Would you mind starting on them while I put the kids to bed?” The conversation will be much more productive when your partner doesn’t feel attacked right out of the gate.

Mistake #2: You’re staying in the shallows

Remember those perpetual problems that are at the heart of most of our arguments with our partners? Just because they can’t be perfectly solved doesn’t mean you shouldn’t talk about them. There is often a core need, or what the Gottmans call a dream, at the heart of these perpetual problem gridlocks, something extremely important to one or both partners that hasn’t been unearthed or articulated.

Unless an issue is purely logistical, don’t stay on the surface. When you’re in conflict with your partner, Julie explains, it’s so important to “pause to deeply understand your partner’s position on something, including understanding what values are connected to it and what personal history might be connected.” For each partner, what’s the ideal outcome in this situation, “and is there some sense of life, purpose, or meaning attach to their position on this issue?” It’s crucial to understand the depths behind your differences in opinions before you even start moving toward resolving them.

Mistake #3: You’re compromising your core needs.

Relatedly, compromising is an important step to resolving an issue, but it’s crucial that the compromise doesn’t infringe upon one of your core needs or dreams. “If you give up a core need, then the compromise will be sabotaged,” John explains. “It won’t work. So you have to understand what each person’s core need is, and you have to protect that before you get into a solution to the problem.”

And yes, this means that some problems may not be resolved — and that some relationships, ultimately, won’t work out because of it. If one partner’s dream is to have children and the other’s is to stay childless, well, there’s no way to compromise on that without one partner sacrificing their dream. That leads to dissatisfaction, resentment, and an unhappy relationship — one that might be better off ending, so both partners can build the life they want.

Mistake #4: You’re on the negative side of the Magic Ratio.

The Gottmans’ research on couples’ conflicts revealed that couples who stay together happily are able to maintain a ratio of 5:1 positive to negative interactions in their arguments — in other words doing five positive things for every negative thing.

A positive interaction, in this case, could be as small as a nod or an acknowledgment that the partner is listening (like “I never thought of that” or “good point”), a gesture of affection or validation, or a moment of shared humor, interest or curiosity in what the other person is saying. Negative things might be expressions of angry criticism, defensiveness, contempt, or giving the silent treatment (more on those in a minute). The Gottmans’ “masters of love” would have a 5:1 ratio (or better) of positive to negative during an argument; the couples who ended up separating or staying together unhappily “had a ratio that averaged 0.8:1 — more negativity than positivity,” John explained. It’s important to have more positivity than negativity because the hurt of negative interactions and comments has a more lasting effect than positive ones, he says. “A lot more positivity has to be there to balance a negative.”

You can shift a conflict to the positive side, the Gottmans say, by making a repair attempt, which they define in Fight Right as “any comment or action that counteracts the negativity in a fight and prevents a conversation from escalating.” Repair attempts might include:

Crucially, both partners need to be open to a repair attempt, both the one making the attempt and the one responding to it.

Mistake #5: You’re being critical, contemptuous, defensive, or stonewalling.

The Gottmans call criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, because couples who exhibited these behaviors during conflict “were likely to split an average of five years post-wedding,” they write. These are the behaviors on the negative end of the magic ratio, the ones you want to avoid as much as possible.

What makes these behaviors so hurtful? For starters, Julie says, criticism “is a way of saying, ‘You’re not worthy of my love.'” It’s the opposite of showing love to a partner — you’re expressing how much you don’t love them and the specific things that you don’t like. It triggers insecurity and “can be very painful for people to hear, because it counteracts their basic need to be loved and to be respected.”

Contempt is the same thing, but done from a position of superiority. “That feels even worse,” Julie says. “[Contempt] is sulfuric acid on a relationship.”

Defensiveness, then, is a natural response to feeling attacked through criticism or contempt, an attempt to shield ourselves from the pain by reflecting it back on our partner. Stonewalling, meanwhile, happens when someone “completely shuts down” and is no longer able or willing to continue the conversation. “That signals to the other person, ‘They don’t wanna hear me. Maybe I’m being rejected,'” Julie explains, triggering feelings of abandonment or loneliness on the part of the person being stonewalled, when what they’re looking for is connection and communication.

Defensiveness and stonewalling often occur in moments of emotional flooding (more on that in a second), Julie adds, meaning that calling for a break — or, in the case of defensiveness, acknowledging to your partner that you’re feeling defensive — can defuse the situation and allow both of you to come back when the Four Horsemen aren’t quite so powerful.

Mistake #6: You’re getting flooded with emotion.

Maintaining the positive ratio and avoiding the Four Horsemen sounds simple enough until you’re actually in the argument, getting angry and frustrated with your partner. The Gottmans call this “flooding.” Similar to “fight or flight” mode, flooding occurs when we get “overwhelmed in conflict, hijacked by our own nervous system in response to negativity from our partners,” the Gottmans write. Flooding doesn’t mean you’re making a mistake per se, as it’s a natural reaction that many of us experience during conflict, but what you do when you’re getting flooded can determine the outcome of your argument and relationship. “When we see a pattern of flooding in a couple… we know that without intervention, they’re headed for a split,” the Gottmans write. That’s because, when you’re flooded, “you’re incapable of fighting right.” You just can’t process information, hear what your partner is saying, and respond instinctively with something negative.

If this experience sounds familiar, the first thing to do is recognize your own personal signs of flooding, which can include shortness of breath, elevated heart rate, face redness, or muscle tightness. If you start to feel any of these, Julie says, call for a break in the fight. When you do this, “everything needs to stop on a dime,” she explains. Then, tell your partner when you’ll come back to talk about it again; Julie says the break should last a minimum of 30 minutes and no longer than 24 hours.

While you’re taking your break, resist the urge to think about the fight or plan what you’re going to say when you come back; that’s just going to keep you in that flooded state. “Instead, you need to do something self-soothing,” Julie says, like exercising, going for a walk, doing yoga, listening to music, reading, doing email — anything that “gets your mind off the fight so that your body has a chance to metabolize the adrenaline and cortisol, the stress hormones that have flooded your blood supply,” she says.

When you and your partner reconvene, “typically you’ll be much more calm and gentle,” Julie says, which means you’ll be more capable of initiating repair attempts and interacting on the positive side of that magic ratio.

Before you go, check out our favorite books on manifesting the life of your dreams:

It seems as though Joe Biden is much more open about his sex life than others, and most recently, he divulged the saucy secret behind his strong, nearly 50-year marriage to First Lady Jill Biden.

In the upcoming book American Woman: The Transformation of the Modern First Lady, from Hillary Clinton to Jill Biden, author Katie Rogers takes readers through a comprehensive guide to modern First Ladies. And she recently gave DailyMail an excerpt, claiming that Joe once said the secret to his great marriage to Jill relies on “good sex.”

Rogers also said that Biden is open with the details of his and Jill’s sex life, and “much to his wife’s chagrin,” he gives marital advice to his aides.

Now, this actually isn’t the first time something like this has been mentioned by Joe. Back in 2006, when asked about running for President, per DailyMail, he said, “I’d rather be at home making love to my wife while my children are asleep.”

Along with that, they’re very open to PDA and are open to showing off their love for one another. However, it seems that while Joe enjoys talking about their sex life openly, Jill likes to remain more private about the details of their sex life.

For those who don’t know, Jill and Joe originally met back in 1975 on a blind date set up by his brother. They later married in 1977, and welcomed a daughter named Ashley Biden, born on June 8, 1981.

Before you go, click here to see our favorite photos of President Joe Biden’s big family.

Stolen moments of intimacy can be increasingly hard to come by when you’re shuffling kids around, trying to get some work done, and maybe even practicing a little bit of self-care. While date night is definitely a complicated thing to execute in our non-stop lives, it doesn’t mean you can’t come up with some out-of-the-box ways to have some kid-free intimate time and have sex with your partner with the spaces and tools available to you. You can schedule an early morning or late night rendezvous in your home, of course (and we promise scheduling sex is way hotter than it sounds), but in a pinch, you can also consider that old reliable location from your teenage years: your car.

Having sex in the car is super hot — mostly because it kind of brings you back to those teenage days of making out in the backseat somewhere, terrified (or thrilled by) the idea of being caught and scrappily making it work for some intimacy with your crush. As a adults, we presumably have a bit more privacy than we did as teenagers, but car sex is still as tantalizing as ever — and, especially for those of us with kids at home, it gives you that extra bit of separation from the responsibilities so you can truly relax. Your car is also a contained space that tests you and your partner’s ability to get each other off efficiently and gives you a lot of access to one another.

But, let’s be real, getting it on in a vehicle can be tricky and not all that comfortable if you aren’t as spry as your 18-year-old self was. (Ever smacked your tailbone too hard on a seat belt? Ouch.) But the right car sex position, along with some satisfying sex toys, can totally rock your world and leave some devastatingly hot memories for next time you run errands. Ahead, check out our favorite, expert-approved car sex positions you don’t have to be a teenager to pull off, and give them a whirl next time you’ve got a moment to park and play. Just don’t blame us if an officer taps his flashlight on your fogged-up window.

At SheKnows, we recognize that not all penetrating partners are male and not all receiving partners are female. For the sake of this article, the experts we spoke to referred to penetrating partners as men and receiving partners as women.

Originally published February 2016.

There are definitely pros and cons to being in a long-distance relationship. Some of the good include having your own space to do and be what you want (as it can be hard sometimes to stay true to yourself when you’re involved with another person) and having passionate embraces when you do finally see each other — you know what they say, “absence makes the heart grow fonder.” And, of course, the not-so-good (and probably the worst of them all) is loneliness. As someone in a long-distance relationship for quite some time, I can speak to all of the above. My person is all the way at the other end of the East Coast, so there are plenty of moments when I wish I could physically enjoy them. 

While we’ve figured out ways around the distance, like long phone calls and FaceTime dates, it can be a little rough when it comes to physical pleasure. Every now and then, I’ll break out one of my favorite vibrators, but because my partner isn’t with me, it doesn’t always feel like there’s that much enjoyment for both parties. So, last night, I did some digging and wanted to find some of the best sex toys that are great for long-distance couples. And let me tell you, plenty of options are on the market. Thanks to good ‘ol technology, there are plenty of ways you and your long-distance boo can spice things up with an app-controlled toy.

So, when I’m here and they’re there, we can still help each other reach optimum pleasure with just a touch of a button. Below, check out a few options I’m considering adding to my bedroom. And the best part is, some of them are on sale — because good sex toys aren’t cheap.

We-Vibe Nova 2 Midnight Blue App Controlled Rechargeable Rabbit Vibrator

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With the app in your partner’s hand, this rabbit vibrator can do wonders for you. It has two points of stimulation and has a variety of speeds and vibrations that your partner can control.

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We-Vibe X Arcwave Voy and Sync 2 Couple's Kit

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Here’s an app-controlled set that works for those vulva’s and penises. This is great if you both want to share pleasure during your virtual spicy nights.

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We-Vibe App Controlled Rechargeable Cordless Wand Vibrator

$119 $180 34% off

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They even have app-controlled wand vibrators! If that’s your toy of choice this option would be great to spark things up with your long-distance boo.

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We-Vibe Sync Go App Controlled Rechargeable Clitoral and G-Spot Vibrator

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Similar to a rabbit this tiny egg toy has two points of stimulation that can get you to where you need to be but on a much smaller scale.

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Lovense Flexer App Controlled Silicone Hands-Free Wearable Panty Vibrator

$140

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Now, this little gadget can definitely spice things up in any relationship. Your partner can control this wearable panty vibrator while you’re out and about or just at home.

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Before you go, check out these chic cookware brands that give Le Creuset a run for its money:

We’re talking about picking your wedding party. This is one of the bigger decisions in the wedding-planning process, because these are the people you’ll see the most often throughout this process — you want them to be your favorites! We’ve all heard of (or experienced) wedding party drama, whether it’s one so-called BFF being left out or a bridesmaid having a little too much fun at the reception. But in the case of one Reddit couple, the wedding party issues are getting particularly personal.

In this situation, the bride-to-be (aka our OP, or the author of the post) is facing a “dealbreaker” situation as her fiancé insists on including his ex-girlfriend (!) in his wedding party. Yep, it’s as bad as it seems, and OP is coming to Reddit’s Am I the Asshole? forum for some second opinions, which Reddit was only too happy to provide. Keep reading for the full story.

It’s Valentine’s Day, which means it’s time for sweet gifts like chocolate, flowers, fancy dates, and generally anything that makes you (and your partner) feel romantic and special. Whether you’re in a relationship this Valentine’s Day or enjoying the single life, we can all use some TLC this time of year, and what better way to do it than with a brand new sex toy?

And now’s the time to invest in one (or two, or three…). Not only is it the day for romance, but one of our favorite online sex toy brands, Lovehoney, is offering major savings for Valentine’s Day — just what you need to save some money and get you through the rest of the winter. Everything from clitoral stimulators to G-spot vibrators to sexy lingerie is on sale for up to 65 (!) percent off.

Ahead, we’ve rounded up a few of our favorite deals from the site — toys you’ll come back to time and time again, lingerie that flatters and makes you feel gorgeous, and full gift boxes with everything you need to start your own toy collection (or a friend’s or lover’s). Click through our faves, check out Lovehoney’s site for the full set of sales, and enjoy some steamy self-care this Valentine’s Day.

And be sure to be quick about it because the deals end TODAY!

Some people are gifted with a way with words, but other people… not so much. If you’ve ever attempted to write a thoughtful, appropriate Valentine’s Day card only to wind up with a million pieces of paper ripped up at your feet — this one’s for you.

As if finding the perfect Valentine’s Day gift wasn’t hard enough, it can also be a challenge to come up with a Valentine’s Day message, no matter what stage in your relationship you are. Even professional writers might be stumped and end up pulling out their hair figuring out exactly what words to write inside that blank card. You don’t want to go overboard and freak out someone you just started dating with an overly romantic card, which might cause an unexpectedly unpleasant conversation. On the other hand, if you’ve been with someone for a long time who really means a lot to you, you don’t want to write out a card that might come off as trite and watch your loved one’s face fall during your romantic Valentine’s Day date. The good news is you can be romantic — and not cheesy — with a perfect little quote or phrase in a personalized Valentine’s Day card.

Whether you’re casually dating someone, in a long-term relationship, or have been married for decades, here’s how to approach your Valentine’s Day love note. And if you’re intimidated by the entire Valentine’s Day card process, we even rounded up some examples of Valentine’s Day cards, from funny to super romantic, so you can pick one that matches the tone of the note that you’re planning to jot down inside.

The new relationship

Tip: Avoid sexual comments. They may be fun, but they’re best kept out of a card, especially in the new relationship.

You want to express your care for someone you’re still getting to know, without being too serious. Here are a few ideas on what to write:

Our favorite quote: “Anyone can catch your eye, but it takes someone special to catch your heart.” — author unknown

A BLANK SLATE

Scratch-a-sketch Valentine's Day Card

$9

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This V-Day card is certainly unique, and it gives you the power to write whatever you want. The card is your canvas. You aren’t forced to conform to a super sappy Valentine’s Day card pre-written by someone else.

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FOR THE DOG PERSON

'Be Mine' Puppy Card

$5.85

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Ask your Valentine to be yours with this cute illustrated puppy. The card is blank and perfect if your beau has a furry friend.

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THE APP RELATIONSHIP

'We Matched' Card

$4.62

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Met your new Valentine on the apps? This sweet, simple, and punny card is a great way to show them you appreciate them and are excited to see where things go next.

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The steady boyfriend, girlfriend or partner

Valentine’s Day could be the perfect time to let your long-term love know just how much they mean to you and how much you’re looking forward to the future. Ideas on what to write include:

Our favorite quote: “Grow old with me! The best is yet to be.” — Robert Browning

SIMPLE & TO THE POINT

'Still Not Sick of You' Card

$5.95

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Couples have been spending a lot more time together over the last few years, so it’s no small feat if your relationship made it through! Celebrate that in a tongue-in-cheek way with this card.

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FOR THE CHOCOLATE LOVER

S'mores Card

$6.99

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Tell your significant other that they love them with this adorable illustrated card from Hallmark.

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SWEET & SILLY

Volcano Card

$6.95

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Can you tell we like puns? This volcano-themed card will put a smile on your Valentine’s face. The volcanos even pop off the card to give it that extra pizzazz.

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The life partner

Today’s the day to let your partner know just how much you love and appreciate them. And since you already won them over, you can be as cheesy as you please! Cute quotes and sayings to write on his card include:

Our favorite quote: “I’ve fallen in love many times… always with you.” — author unknown

A FUNNY CARD

'You're the Only One' Card

$6.95

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For the partner who seems to have everything, get them this tongue-in-cheek card. It’ll remind them that your presence is a present (but you should still get them a present).

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ROMANTIC CARD

'I'm Keeping You' Card

$9.99

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Own your feelings this Valentine’s Day and tell the love of your life exactly how much they’ve changed your life with this minimalist card. It’s sweet and genuine without getting too sappy — the perfect combo.

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3D CARD

Paper Roses Card

$12.99

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Instead of sending a bouquet of real flowers, send this beautiful 3D pop-up card. It’ll last longer than flowers anyway.

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And a few bonus Valentine’s Day quotes for the funny couples

MANDALORIAN CARD

Baby Yoda Card

$5.15

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Get this cute Mandalorian card for the Star Wars fan in your life. Your partner or SO will get a kick out of this card.

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WORD-PLAY CARD

Avocado Card

$5.04

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If your SO loves a cheesy joke, a cringe-y pun, or is simply a big fan of avocados (millennials, we’re looking at you), they’ll appreciate this card, which features a funny play-on-words.

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SWIFTIE CARD

For the 'Anti-Hero'

$4.62

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This one’s for the Swiftie in your life. If your Valentine loves pop culture references and all things Taylor, grab this cute “Anti-Hero”-themed card!

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FOR THE DATING-APP BEAU

'Best Thing on the Internet' Card

$5.99

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If you met ‘the one’ online, this heartfelt and funny card is a great choice.

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A version of this article was originally published in January 2014.

Before you go, check out 100 of our favorite vibrators to recommend to friends (which also make excellent Valentine’s Day gifts): 

Many people believe open relationships are just an excuse to cheat without getting in trouble, but there are some legitimate upsides. You get to experience other kinds of relationships, expand your capacity to love, and broaden your sexual horizon. That said, open relationships aren’t for everyone. So what happens if the conversation comes up and one partner is a hard no… but the other really wants to try it?

One couple on Reddit is in that exact situation, and it’s as complicated and anxiety-inducing as you might think. In this case, the wife is the one asking to open up the marriage, while her husband (our OP, Reddit-speak for the author of the post) isn’t interested at all. Specifically, he thinks it’s “totally unacceptable.” Now he’s hurt and she’s “heartbroken,” and they’re wondering where they even begin to go from here. Reddit, of course, had quite a few opinions on the topic. Keep reading for the full story, Reddit’s thoughts, and our ultimate takeaways.