A Fiancé’s ‘Ludicrous’ Wedding Party Request Has Reddit Calling Him a Massive Red Flag

Staying Friends

Before OP and her fiancé started dating four years ago, he dated his childhood best friend Liz for eight years. They were even briefly engaged before calling it off, realizing that they were only getting married because their families were close and it seemed like the next step, not because they actually wanted to.

Liz and OP’s fiancé stayed friends after the engagement, and their families remain close — all of which OP has been aware of since the start of her relationship. OP has never had a problem with it and says she considers Liz a friend as well. That said, there are times when she feels like the third wheel due to the inside jokes and childhood stories that Liz and OP’s fiancé share. Still, she says she’s stayed open-minded about their friendship because her fiancé has “assured” her they’re just friends, and because she trusts both of them.

A Wedding Party Disagreement

OP and her fiancé are now finalizing their wedding party after getting engaged last year. They agreed that they’re fine with having the opposite sex in their respective parties (i.e. she can have men in her party, he can have women in his), but OP’s fiancé specifically asked if OP could include his sister in her party. OP agreed, saying she gets along with his sister well enough. No issue there.

Then her fiancé said he wanted Liz to be in his wedding party. “I was taken aback,” OP said, and told him she wasn’t comfortable with that. As a compromise, she said Liz was welcome to come to the ceremony and reception, and that she could sit with his family and even be in the family photos.

… Turns into a ‘Huge Fight’

OP’s husband wouldn’t compromise, stating that he should get to choose who’s in his wedding party just as OP got to choose hers (… despite the fact that OP agreed to include his sister at his request). OP objected, saying that she’s not asking to have her “high school sweetheart” in her wedding party like he is.

She says it’s now becoming a “huge fight,” with both OP and her fiancé refusing to budge. OP finally told her fiancé he’d have to choose between her and Liz. “If she’s in the wedding party, then I won’t be standing in the altar,” she said.

Rude Texts

OP’s fiancé called her “crazy” and left to stay with his brother until OP was able to “calm down and be reasonable.” That was three days ago, and OP’s fiancé has texted her twice since: first to ask if she had calmed down and was “ready to be reasonable,” then to ask if she’d agreed to the wedding party list. “I told him my answer is still no and that I don’t know if I can let this one go,” OP said.

What Does Reddit Think?

OP headed to Reddit’s AITA forum to ask if she should just let it go and if she’s being as unreasonable as her fiancé says. Her post has racked up nearly 500 comments, and it looks like Redditors are in agreement: OP’s definitely not the asshole here.

The top-upvoted comment pointed out the hypocrisy of OP’s fiancé wanting to have a hand in picking her wedding party by asking her to include his sister — “he’d be pissed if you said no, guaranteed” — but rejecting OP’s opinion on his wedding party. “The whole ‘you have to accept their relationship’ is BS,” they added, while noting that her fiancé’s texts to her since the fight come off as “pure, undiluted bullying.” They continued, “You said it was a deal breaker, he’s choosing to break the deal. It’s on him, not on you.”

Another commenter validated OP’s stance, telling her that her boundaries aren’t wrong. “It’s really concerning how your fiancé is fighting for her by fighting against you,” they said. A fellow Redditor agreed, noting that the fiancé’s stance and refusal to compromise shows where his priorities are, and that having a former long-term girlfriend standing next to him on his wedding day shows “such disrespect and poor taste.”

One commenter kept it short and sweet, asking if OP gets to have someone she almost married in her wedding party. It would only be fair! They called this situation “a red flag the size of the Atlantic” and advised OP to run. Other Redditors called OP’s fiancé demeaning, dismissive, and disrespectful, and that him digging his heels in on this issue is “ludicrous” — and that the way he’s treating OP in this situation might be more concerning than him wanting an ex in his wedding party (which is pretty bad on its own!). “This is not how you resolve conflict,” one commenter said. “This is not how you treat a partner with respect.”

We think this commenter has it right. We can sympathize with OP’s deep discomfort over her fiancé wanting Liz in his wedding party — she’s already proven her open-mindedness around Liz being a close part of her fiancé’s family’s life, which would be hard enough for most people. She’s offered a compromise in letting Liz be in their family photos at their wedding, which is another high-road move on her part. It’s understandable that her fiancé pushing to have Liz in his wedding party is one step too far, and a violation of her boundaries.

But the way OP’s fiancé has treated her since is unacceptable. To call a loved one “crazy” over having an understandable reaction to this difficult situation, and then to refuse her attempt at a compromise and give her the cold shoulder for days (apart from some rather nasty texts) is extremely hurtful. It’s even veering into gaslighting territory to classify OP’s perfectly reasonable reaction as crazy and to talk down to her in asking whether she’d “calmed down” enough to agree to have Liz in her wedding.

We agree with the commenters recommending OP and her fiancé seek counselling before they tie the knot. Clearly this issue means something deeper to her fiancé than he’s letting on and he’s lashing out at OP because of it, which is not acceptable behavior in a couple (married or not). They’ll want to get to the bottom of this issue and come up with some ways to work through this conflict (and others) before committing to each other for life.