A Wife Is ‘Heartbroken’ That She Can’t Start an Open Marriage & Reddit Says It’s a ‘Dealbreaker’

Wanting the Excitement of an Open Marriage

OP and his wife have been together for eight years and married for three. He says he knew she was interested in sleeping with other people but their relationship has always been monogamous. He never thought she’d seriously propose to open up their marriage until she did, a few days ago.

OP understands her mindset, to some extent. He says she sees love and sex as separate things, and while she only loves OP, “she misses the excitement of meeting someone you don’t know and discovering sex with them.” She enjoys her current sex life with OP and says she doesn’t want him to change anything about it; she just has a higher libido and is interested in sleeping with other people.

Both Perspectives

OP thinks it’s “completely unacceptable” to open up their marriage. “The thought of her with someone else kills me and my self esteem has been hurt so badly,” he says. He can’t help but feel like he’s not good enough now and is struggling with feeling “worthless and frigid,” despite his wife assuring him she still desires him.

For OP’s wife, starting an open marriage would make her happier. OP says he struggles with a mental illness that affects their relationship. He’s currently in therapy for it and his wife does her best to support him, but he says it clearly takes a toll, and she believes she’d be able to handle it better if she had more balance in her life, which she thinks an open relationship could provide. She started exploring experiences and hobbies outside of their relationship and gaining confidence, and that journey made her realize she wanted an open relationship — and that she’d been repressing that part of herself for years.

A Reluctant Agreement

After a long talk, OP’s wife agreed not to open their marriage, but it wasn’t a satisfying end to the conversation. She told OP she’d probably always want an open marriage, but if she had to pick between that or staying with him, she’d choose him. “She has been completely destroyed over this,” OP says.

Everyone Is Hurting

OP says he feels horrible for refusing to open up the relationship, but he’s also in pain and can’t agree to what she wants. He believes opening up their marriage would “put an end to us.” Now he’s asking Reddit how they can ever move forward, stating that neither of them want a divorce, but they aren’t sure where to go from here.

Reddit Weighs In

Reddit tends to take a pretty cynical outlook on open relationships, and this comment section is no different. Some commenters scoffed at OP’s wife’s reaction, calling it concerning and “potentially manipulative” to be so devastated by OP’s unwillingness to open the marriage. “My trust would be wrecked” by the request and reaction, they said, adding that they would be anxious she might cheat.

Another person noted that some things can’t be unsaid and this demand for an open marriage will “kill” the relationship. OP now has to live with the fact that his wife is “very interested” in sleeping with other people, and the commenter believes that knowledge will “fester” in OP’s head and “rot” their relationship. Another Redditor said OP’s wife sounded “entitled” and believed she would either start cheating or resent him until the marriage is over.

Amidst the doom and gloom (and many, many calls for divorce), one person offered an understanding approach to OP’s situation. “It sounds like both you and your wife have been open and honest with each other,” they said. However, by pushing the matter after the conversation, this commenter believes OP’s wife is being “selfish and insensitive.” They recommended OP and his wife try therapy, but noted that the situation was clear: if OP’s wife wants to see other people, “that’s a dealbreaker” for OP. “She needs to decide if she is going to put herself first, or choose you.”

It’s tough to navigate open relationships, especially at the beginning, especially when one partner really wants and the other really doesn’t. How do you compromise? The truth is, it really is a pretty black and white issue — you’re either in an open relationship or you’re not, and if neither partner is open to changing their mind, there may not be much these two can do.

That said, it’s normal for the partner in OP’s shoes to be shocked and hurt by a request for an open relationship when they’re not expecting it. SheKnows has spoken to experts previously who recommend taking things slowly at this point and — for both partners — remaining open-minded to the other’s point of view. This issue may prove insurmountable in the long run, but for now, it’s best to give it a good amount of thought instead of rushing into a rash decision (i.e. going straight to divorce). Either way, it’s important to keep communicating honestly and talking through the issue as much as possible.