According to Mayo Clinic, eating disorders are health conditions that affect physical and mental health, and can include issues around eating behaviors and “how you think about food, eating, weight, and shape.” The most common eating disorders are anorexia, which can involve severely limiting calories or cutting out certain kinds of foods; bulimia, which involves eating food in a short period of time, then “purging” afterwards; and binge-eating disorder, which involves eating food (sometimes in large amounts) in a short period of time.

And while the common stereotype says that only young women suffer from eating disorders, recent research has found that that’s simply not the case. According to a 2014 study cited by the National Eating Disorders Association, 25 percent of people with anorexia are men, and men are at higher risk of dying of the condition — in part because they’re often diagnosed later, as many people assume men don’t have eating disorders. Eating disorders are also prevalent among high school and collegiate athletes.

According to the NEDA, eating disorders arise “from a variety of physical, emotional, and social issues,” and preventing them and lowering their prevalence worldwide means addressing all of those issues. That said, initiating conversations about eating disorders — who they affect, why they occur, and their harmful effects on people — is one step in the right direction. Ahead, these celebrities are doing just that by speaking out about their own experiences to help end the stigma.

We can understand the temptation, though. Let’s say, for example, your marriage is pretty much fine. You get along well, you’re good co-parents, you’ve invested a lot of time and effort into this partnership… but you’re just not sexually compatible anymore. At least one of you isn’t feeling fulfilled, for whatever reason. Why blow up the whole marriage when you could just open up your relationship and have your sexual needs met elsewhere?

That’s essentially the case for one woman on Reddit, who shared her story on the site’s Am I the Asshole? forum recently. Our OP (aka original poster, or the author of the post) is dealing with a classic dead bedroom issue with her husband and is at her wit’s end. She’s suggested an open marriage to avoid divorce, but after her husband’s response, now she’s wondering if she was an asshole for even bringing it up. Keep reading for the full story and Reddit’s response.

It’s also strange to think that — if TikTok is to be believed — the common habit of rinsing after brushing your teeth isn’t actually a best practice for oral hygiene. I don’t know anyone that doesn’t rinse after brushing. Isn’t that why hotels have cups in the bathroom? What other lies have we been told?!

Clearly I needed answers, and I wanted to go beyond TikTok to get them. I asked three dentists whether we really should be rinsing after we brush (or floss, for that matter) and, while we were at it, what other changes we should make to our dental hygiene routines. Turns out, TikTok might be on to something with this one, so let’s talk about why.

Should you rinse after brushing your teeth?

You shouldn’t rinse with water right after brushing your teeth, dentists say. Why? “Toothpaste contains fluoride, which helps remineralize and strengthen the tooth‘s enamel,” cosmetic dentist Dr. Catrise Austin of VIP Smiles tells SheKnows. “If you’re rinsing immediately after brushing, you risk washing away the fluoride before it has a chance to fully protect your teeth.”

Still, it’s understandable why rinsing after brushing is so common. “It feels good in the mouth and helps to get rid of any toothpaste residue that may not taste the best,” Dr. Shahrooz Yazdani, dentist and director of Yazdani Family Dentistry Kanata, tells SheKnows. But if you want to get the most bang for your buck when it comes to your oral hygiene routine, it’s best to skip this step.

Instead, simply spit out any excess saliva or toothpaste after brushing and leave the trace residue behind on your teeth, Dr. Jennifer Silver, dentist and owner at Macleod Trail Dental, tells SheKnows. Avoid eating or drinking for at least 10 minutes after brushing “to allow the fluoride to work its magic,” she adds.

While it’s best not to rinse at all after brushing, if you really don’t want to skip that step, “use a small amount of water and avoid swishing vigorously,” Austin says. And if you have a fluoride rinse you like to use after brushing, Yazdani recommends brushing, rinsing with a bit of water, then following up with the fluoride rinse.

Quick personal tangent: since seeing that TikTok, I decided to stop rinsing after brushing my teeth. At first, I didn’t love the half-chalky, half-slimy residue the toothpaste left behind. It was also surprisingly hard to break the habit of rinsing, something I’ve done my whole life, and a few times, I would slurp down a mouthful of water before I realized what I was doing. (This was especially common in the morning, when I was half asleep.)

But as I got used to it, the toothpaste aftertaste started bothering me less and less, and it felt more normal to spit without rinsing. Now it barely fazes me and I’ve made it a consistent part of my routine.

Should you rinse after flossing?

The time to rinse, it turns out, is actually after flossing. The idea is that rinsing after your floss “can help remove any loosened food particles and bacterial plaque from between your teeth,” Austin explains, so make a point to swish around some water and spit after you toss out your floss. Speaking of…

Should you floss before or after brushing?

While we’re talking about brushing and flossing, let’s answer this age-old question too. “It’s generally recommended to floss before brushing,” Austin says. That’s because flossing cleans the space between your tooth and your gum, so that when you do go in and brush, “this allows the fluoride from the toothpaste to reach between your teeth more effectively,” Austin says. You’re basically maximizing your “protection against cavities that form in hidden areas like between the teeth and below the gums,” she explains.

The ideal order? Floss, rinse with water, brush with fluoride toothpaste, and end with a fluoride rinse if you use one, Yazdani says. If you prefer an alcohol-based mouthwash, “use this after flossing but before brushing,” he says, “as alcohol can also remove the fluoride.”

In short: it’s best to floss before brushing and skip rinsing after brushing, but if you really prefer to rinse (or just have a hard time remembering not to), don’t stress. “If you have a habit of rinsing with water, it really is not the worst thing for your dental hygiene,” Yazdani says. The most important thing, he says, is brushing and flossing twice a day. Once you’ve got that healthy habit down, finessing your routine can help you get the absolute most out of it. (Your teeth will thank you.)

Before you go, shop our favorite skincare products for teens:

“I was horrified,” said Sarah McCoy Isaacs, who conceived her son through IVF.

The case itself involved a couple whose frozen embryos had been destroyed when a hospital patient removed them from tanks of liquid nitrogen and dropped them on the floor. The court ruled that the embryos should be considered children and thus protected by an 1872 state law that allows parents to sue over the death of a minor child. “Unborn children are ‘children under the Act,” the judges wrote in the majority opinion, “without exception based on developmental stage, physical location, or any other ancillary characteristics.”

What does that mean for IVF? Nothing good, says Dr. Ilana Ressler, a reproductive endocrinologist at Illume Fertility. “This means that a fertilized egg, or embryo, which is created through the IVF process and commonly cryopreserved or frozen until use, will have the same rights as a living person,” Ressler tells SheKnows. “Essentially, a microscopic group of cells, that has the potential for life, is being treated as having the same status as a living child. This will, unfortunately, severely limit the availability of modern medicine to the people of Alabama.”

In fact, it already has. Per NBC News, three facilities in Alabama have halted or restricted IVF treatments since the ruling was handed down. The University of Alabama at Birmingham health system is one of them, sharing the news in a statement that read, “we must evaluate the potential that our patients and our physicians could be prosecuted criminally or face punitive damages for following the standard of care for I.V.F. treatments.” The health system has will continue to perform egg retrieval, but has paused egg fertilization and embryo development services.

Those are two key parts of the IVF process, which begins by stimulating a patient’s ovaries with a medication that causes multiple eggs to develop, Ressler says. A doctor then removes (aka “retrieves”) the eggs and fertilizes them with sperm in a lab dish to create embryos.

The embryos are then transferred, usually one at a time, to the patient’s uterus while preserving the ones that are left behind. “The goal is generally to create multiple embryos in an IVF stimulation cycle, which can then be cryopreserved for future use,” Ressler explained. Patients can choose to transfer another embryo if the initial transfer isn’t successful or save their extra embryos for years down the road — a way of preserving their fertility and avoiding another round of egg retrieval.

The new ruling, though, “may essentially eliminate the ability for people in Alabama to cryopreserve embryos, as these treatments could lead to civil or criminal charges of health care providers,” Ressler says. If other states follow Alabama’s path, this could potentially affect millions of people, given how common infertility is: 1 in 6 couples globally deals with infertility, according to the World Health Organization, and Ressler says that one to two percent of births in the US are the result of IVF.

McCoy Isaacs’ son was one of them. “I didn’t have any idea how arduous it would be,” she says of IVF, which she began just a few months after marrying her husband. The process was complex as well; she remembers that the introductory, informational meeting alone took over an hour, and signing the documents and going over informed consent was another couple of hours.

McCoy Isaacs underwent five cycles of IVF, suffering one miscarriage in the process, before she became pregnant with and gave birth to her son, born on her 39th birthday. While the process wasn’t easy — McCoy Isaacs had to undergo a surgical abortion after the miscarriage to avoid becoming septic — she says she’s grateful that IVF exists, and that it worked for her and her husband. “My heart breaks for those who that isn’t the case for.”

After the Alabama ruling hit the Internet, McCoy Isaacs began sharing parts of her story online. Already, she says, she’s watched as IVF misinformation spreads, including the belief that embryos are selectively transferred or destroyed based on eugenics-style rationale, rather than their viability (likelihood to survive pregnancy). She’s also seen people suggest that patients simply “create one embryo and transfer it each cycle” instead of creating and preserving multiple embryos, which she calls an “absurd” suggestion. “In my cycles there were typically 8-9 eggs that resulted. Of those, about half made it to day 3 after fertilization. Of those, two might be a really good embryo, developing normally… The notion that there are dozens of viable embryos on ice is just completely wrong.”

Then there’s the idea that IVF is “somehow the easy way” to get pregnant. “I very much wish we didn’t have to undergo IVF,” McCoy Isaacs says. “It was the most difficult thing I’ve done in my life, among many hard things.”

McCoy Isaacs sympathizes with people in Alabama who are going through or considering IVF and who now find their world thrown into flux. “People who are ignorant are imposing their beliefs onto this process,” she says. “The path to a child via IVF (or IUI) is already so difficult. Making it harder is just cruel.”

Ressler echoes that sentiment. “I am saddened and upset by the Alabama ruling, as it is not a scientifically founded decision,” she says. “Similar to the overturning of Roe v. Wade, it feels that the country is taking a huge step backwards in regard to reproductive rights.“

Before you go, read about these celebrities who have shared their abortion stories:

Anyone who’s ever struggled with acne knows that pimples can pop up anywhere (and at any age). The ones on your face might be the most visible, but zits, blackheads, and cysts can pop up all over your body, including your neck, back, chest, arms, and even your butt, and facial cleansers sometimes aren’t strong enough to deal with them. “Body acne can be just as frustrating, if not more, than acne on the face,” says Dr. Dendy Engelman, a board-certified cosmetic dermatologist and Mohs surgeon at Shafer Clinic in New York City.

Luckily, you have plenty of acne body wash options to choose from, as long as you know what to look for. The key ingredients? Salicylic acid and benzoyl peroxide.

Salicylic and glycolic acid: Products with salicylic and/or glycolic acid are great for unclogging the pores and clearing out blackheads, says Dr. Calvin Williams, a dermatologist at Essential Dermatology Group. These products are “usually more gentle to the skin than other acne ingredients,” he tells SheKnows. Salicylic acid in particular “is a great ingredient for people with oily and acne-prone skin, and particularly for treating and preventing comedonal acne (blackheads and whiteheads),” board-certified dermatologist Dr. Hadley King tells SheKnows.

Benzoyl peroxide: If you struggle with inflammatory types of acne — think “red papules and/or closed comedones (whiteheads),” Williams says — benzoyl peroxide products are a good choice. As an antibacterial agent, benzoyl peroxide helps reduce acne-causing bacteria like P. acnes and Staph. aureus, King adds, while also preventing and clearing out clogged pores.

When choosing an acne body wash, it’s important to remember that “everyone’s skin is different and has different sensitivities,” Engelman says. “What may work for someone else may not work for others.” So we skipped the sponsored influencer content and went straight to the experts to find out what acne body washes dermatologists love and recommend to their patients.

Best acne body washes recommended by dermatologists, at a glance:

Best overall: La Roche-Posay Effaclar Acne Face Wash with Salicylic Acid

Best for hydration: The Body Acne Wash from Nécessaire

Best for inflammatory acne: CeraVe Acne Foaming Cream Wash

Best for irritated skin: CLn Acne Cleanser

Best budget option: PanOxyl Acne Treatment Bar or PanOxyl Antimicrobial Hydrating Acne Creamy Wash

Best for rough skin: Neutrogena Body Clear Acne Body Wash

Best for exfoliating: Murad Acne Control Body Wash

Best for small bumps: BeautyPie AcidEnzyme Exfoliating Face and Body Cleanser

Best for oily skin: Garnier SkinActive Clean+ Blackhead Eliminating Scrub with Charcoal

Best antioxidant cleanser: Face Reality Antioxidant Scrub

Best for clogged pores: Acne-Clearing Body Wash from Differin 

BEST OVERALL

La Roche-Posay Effaclar Acne Face Wash with Salicylic Acid

$16.49

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$12.99

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La Roche-Posay’s Effaclar Acne Face Wash with Salicylic Acid is a “consistent product” that’s great for blackheads and whiteheads with “minimal odor or side effects,” says Dr. David Li of Boston Derm Advocate. This gel cleanser also includes lipo-hydroxy acid (LHA) to exfoliate and renew your skin and glycerin for hydration. Overall, Li says this face wash is a “great option for general acne,” with extra bonuses coming from how easy it is to apply and lather and the pleasant “skin-tightening sensation” you get afterwards.

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BEST FOR HYDRATION

The Body Acne Wash from Nécessaire

$20.00 $28.00 29% off

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$20

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Cosmetic dermatologist Dr. Michele Green recommends Nécessaire’s The Body Acne Wash, which contains 2 percent salicylic acid as its active ingredient. The salicylic acid will “exfoliate the skin and clear out clogged pores,” Green says, while glycerin will help moisturize and niacinamide will “restore the skin’s natural moisture barrier.”

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BEST FOR INFLAMMATORY ACNE

CeraVe Acne Foaming Cream Wash

$13.07 $17.99 27% off

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$16.89

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Green recommends CeraVe Acne Foaming Cream Wash if you’re dealing with inflammatory body acne. It’s formulated with 10 percent benzoyl peroxide to “kill acne-causing bacteria and unclog pores,” she says, and it also contains hyaluronic acid, ceramides, and niacinamide “to hydrate the skin and prevent transepidermal water loss.” Dr. Barry Goldman of Barry Goldman Dermatology also flagged those key ingredients, calling the cream wash a “mainstay” that’s well-tolerated by many patients.

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BEST FOR IRRITATED SKIN

CLn Acne Cleanser

$35.00

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If you experience irritation with acne cleansers, Williams recommends trying CLn products. “My patients often find them less irritating and more effective than the typical over the counter antimicrobial acne body washes,” he says. CLn’s acne cleanser, with 0.5 percent salicylic acid, is gentle enough to use on your face and body. You can also opt for CLn Body Wash, which doesn’t contain an active acne-fighting ingredient but can keep your skin cleansed and healthy in acne-prone areas.

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BEST BUDGET OPTION

PanOxyl Acne Treatment Bar

$9.49

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Goldman recommends PanOxyl’s acne treatment bar for people with very oily skin, while the brand’s creamy wash is better for those with sensitive skin. Both feature 10 percent benzoyl peroxide and are on the cheaper end of the spectrum — especially the bar, which is less than $10.

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BEST FOR ROUGH SKIN

Neutrogena Body Clear Acne Body Wash

$22.19 $24.05 8% off

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$10.29

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$8.99

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Goldman calls Neutrogena’s Body Clear Acne Body Wash a good option for those with a more “rough, bumpy” skin texture. It contains 2 percent salicylic acid to fight breakouts without drying out your skin, and is recommended for use on your back, chest, and shoulders.

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BEST FOR EXFOLIATING

Murad Acne Control Body Wash

$48.00

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$28.80

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If you can afford something on the pricier side, Goldman notes that Murad Acne Control Body Wash is great for exfoliating. With 1 percent salicylic acid, he describes it as a stronger option and recommends easing into a routine and using it just two to three times a week initially.

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BEST FOR SMALL BUMPS

BeautyPie AcidEnzyme Exfoliating Face and Body Cleanser

$60

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Ever noticed patches of small, rough bumps on your upper arms, thighs, cheeks, or butt? That’s called keratosis pilaris, a harmless (but, let’s be honest) annoying condition that King says this product is great at addressing (along general with body acne). BeautyPie AcidEnzyme Exfoliating Face and Body Cleanser contains 2% salicylic acid and papaya enzymes to “gently exfoliate,” she says, plus glycerin to moisturize and oat kernal extract to “soothe and support the skin barrier.”

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BEST FOR OILY SKIN

Garnier SkinActive Clean+ Blackhead Eliminating Scrub with Charcoal

$8.47

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King recommends this 2% salicylic acid product for oily skin on your body as well as your face. The charcoal in Garnier’s SkinActive Clean+ Blackhead Eliminating Scrub offers “gentle physical exfoliation,” she says, “in a base that hydrates the skin with glycerin and supports the skin barrier with jojoba oil and castor oil.”

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BEST ANTIOXIDANT CLEANSER

Face Reality Antioxidant Scrub

$31

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As the name suggests, this Antioxidant Scrub from Face Reality is “rich in antioxidants,” King says, which help protect your skin from damage and aging. A good option for non-inflamed acne that you can use on both your face and body, this scrub “contains cellulose beads to offer gentle physical exfoliation” and is “sulfate-free for sensitive skin types,” King adds.

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BEST FOR CLOGGED PORES

Differin Acne-Clearing Body Wash

$9.26 $11.99 23% off

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$8.99

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“I love and recommend the Acne-Clearing Body Wash from Differin to my patients,” Engelman says. It’s non-comedogenic (meaning it won’t clog your pores) and is formulated with 2% salicylic acid to “gently unclog clogged pores and clear the skin without over-drying,” she says.

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How do you use acne body wash?

Different acne body washes have different recommendations, so always make sure to consult the packaging (and your dermatologist!) for the proper way to use a product. In general, though, it’s a good idea to apply your acne body wash product onto wet or damp skin and leave it on for about a minute. Depending on your body wash, leaving it on longer might lead to irritation, Williams explains. If you have drier skin, King recommends washing the body wash off after about 30 seconds.

As for the frequency, Engelman says that “depending on the intensity of the product, acne body washes can be used anywhere from daily to two to three times a week.” Pro tip: use white towels if your acne body wash contains benzoyl peroxide, Goldman says, as it can bleach colored towels if not rinsed properly.

Can you use acne body wash on your face (or vice versa)?

Avoid using acne body wash on your face, Engelman says. “Since the skin on the face is a lot thinner and more sensitive than the skin on the body, facial skincare products are formulated to be more gentle while being just as effective,” she explains. “Body products are not as gentle so if they are used on the face it could lead to even more breakouts and irritation.” In a pinch, it’s OK to use acne face wash on your body, but not the other way around.

Can my acne body wash ever cause acne?

A well-formulated acne body wash (like the ones here!) shouldn’t cause acne, but there are a few ingredients you should avoid if you’re acne-prone. These include comedogenic ingredients like nut and seed oils and Ethylhexyl Palmitate, as these ingredients “are known to lead to acne and irritation,” Engelman says. She also recommends avoiding harsh and fragrant body washes, which can strip your skin of natural oils.

If you’re still noticing acne while using an acne body wash or if you’re experiencing cystic acne (painful pimples that form deep under the skin), set up an appointment with your dermatologist to determine a treatment specifically for your skin type and acne.

Before you go, shop our favorite skincare brands for teens:

Far from just a trendy buzzword in the wellness community, inflammation is actually your immune system’s response to a stressor, whether that’s a pathogen, an injury, actual mental stress, or just something that “does not sit well with our body, such as alcohol,” registered dietitian Emily Maus of Live Well Dietitian tells SheKnows. Inflammation isn’t always a bad thing; if you’re sick, inflammation is a sign that your body is working to get rid of the virus or bacteria. But if you’re experiencing chronic inflammation as a result of lifestyle factors, “it can mean the body is living in hyper-drive,” Maus explains. That can cause a wide range of physical and mental difficulties, from acne and painful periods to increased risk of diabetes, heart disease, and cancer.

So what does that have to do with inflammation? Well, most of us know that alcohol — as nice as it feels going down! — isn’t great for our physical or mental health. With sober curiosity and dry January trends on the rise, it’s natural to wonder if alcohol is connected to this harmful kind of inflammation — and the answer is yes.

Does alcohol cause inflammation?

Alcohol does lead to inflammation in the body. How does it happen? As our body works to process alcohol, it creates “byproducts that can irritate and damage our gut and other organs, like the liver,” Romane Guerot, a registered dietitian and sports nutritionist at Foodvisor, tells SheKnows. “This irritation triggers an inflammatory response, similar to how your body fights off a scrape or a cold.”

Your body deals with alcohol via the liver, which is the organ responsible for filtering and ridding the body of poisonous substances like drugs and alcohol. You probably know that frequent consumption of alcohol can lead to liver damage, and that connection plays a part in inflammation as well. Chronic alcohol use impairs your body’s anti-inflammation defenses, which are not only connected to your liver but also your gut and brain, scientists say. In other words, Maus explains, “the more frequently alcohol is consumed, the more sluggish the liver becomes, which can decrease production of anti-inflammatory cells.”

That inflammation can make itself known in a few different ways. Post-drinking inflammation might make you feel achy and sore, like after a big workout, Guerot explains. You might feel joint stiffness, fatigue, or an upset stomach as well. Sounds like a hangover to us.

What kinds of alcohol are worse for inflammation?

We’ll be the bearers of bad news here: unfortunately, all types of alcohol can cause an inflammatory response. In fact, “the type of alcohol doesn’t significantly impact how much inflammation it causes,” Guerot says. “It’s more about the amount you consume.” In other words, the more alcohol you drink and the more frequently you drink it, the more inflammation you’ll experience.

But if you’ve noticed that your hangovers are worse after a night of sugary cocktails, well, there’s a reason for that. Sugary alcoholic drinks may result in more inflammation, as sugar on its own is a known inflammatory product. You’re basically combining two inflammatory ingredients, alcohol and sugar, so “limiting sugar heavy alcoholic beverages can be a better choice” for those looking to reduce inflammation, Maus explains.

Can I drink alcohol without experiencing inflammation?

Any amount of alcohol can cause inflammation, so if you really want to avoid inflammation and its unpleasant side effects, the solution is to not drink at all. But if you do want to imbibe every once in a while, moderation is key, Maus says — both in terms of how much you’re drinking and how frequently. It’s also best to drink after a meal. “Drinking on an empty stomach can spike blood sugar, which could also increase inflammation and reduce insulin response,” per a 2019 study, Maus noted.

Of course, treating inflammation isn’t just about alcohol. What you eat also plays a huge role, which is where an anti-inflammatory diet can help. Exercising regularly is a key component as well.

When it comes to alcohol, we know it’s not exactly easy to stop on a dime, even if you’re feeling those sluggish, uncomfortable symptoms of inflammation. Pay attention to how your body feels when you’re drinking and look for ways you can enjoy your favorite activities without leaning on alcohol. Try swapping out your cocktail for an anti-inflammatory mocktail every once in a while (Maus recommends using ingredients like tart cherry, berries, or green tea) and see the changes it makes to your body and mind.

Before you go, check out our favorite bedtime products to help you catch some shut-eye:

How many colds per year is normal for kids?

Young kids — toddlers and kids in preschool — can have as many as 8 to 12 respiratory infections or stomach bugs per year. As kids get older and enter school, that number goes to 5 or 6 illnesses every year, until the teenage and adult years when it’s common to get 2 to 3 colds every year. 

For young kids in particular, it’s common for colds to come with fevers, cough, and runny nose or congestion. The fevers tend to resolve first, followed by the congestion or runny nose, and lastly by the cough. During the peak of respiratory virus season, it’s common for a child to catch a second cold while still having a lingering cough from the first, which to tired, sleep-deprived parents, can certainly feel as though the illness has lasted forever. 

But back-to-back illnesses are not always a sign of concern, and may instead be a reflection of the season and the environment.

Why does my child get sick so often? 

We all get sick more often in the winter, and that’s because we tend to spend more time inside with others, often with closed windows to stay warm. The proximity with others creates the perfect breeding ground for different viruses. There are, however, viruses known to circulate more commonly in the summer — like the virus that causes hand, foot, and mouth disease — but in general, kids tend to get sick less often in summer. 

Just like adults, kids can also get sick more frequently if they are stressed, if they are not getting enough sleep, or if they are not eating well. In addition, children who are in daycare are known to get sick more often. 

How can I prevent my child from getting sick so often?

When it comes to preventing illnesses, it’s important to go back to the basics. Adequate sleep, nutrition, and getting outside have all been shown to help the immune system fight infections. Toddlers need between 11 and 14 hours of sleep per day, preschool children between 10 and 13, school age kids need 9 to 12 hours, and teens need 8 to 10. In addition, a diet rich in vitamins and minerals — which are best obtained through foods like berries, leafy green vegetables, and nuts and seeds — can go a long way. 

The basics also include staying up to date with routine immunizations. 

When should I worry? 

While getting sick more often than average is not necessarily a red flag, there are a few instances that do merit a discussion with your pediatrician. Those include getting repeat bacterial infections, such as ear infections, pneumonia, or urinary tract infections, as well as requiring frequent treatments or interventions when sick. If your child requires treatment in the office or in the ER when sick, discuss with your pediatrician whether an underlying condition could be making them prone to more serious illnesses.

Editor’s note: Dr. Edith Bracho-Sanchez is a practicing pediatrician at Columbia University Irving Medical Center, a contributing editor to SheKnows, and a mom to an active toddler.

Before you go, shop our top cold-relieving products for kids:

We mean talking about what feels good and what you’re consenting to — making sure everyone is on the same page before the fun kicks off — as well as establishing some clear boundaries. Sometimes one partner will be more interested in watching than participating; other times, everyone wants an equal share of the physical action. And that type of communication is exactly where one couple on Reddit is struggling.

This couple has pursued threesomes for the majority of their relationship, inviting other women into their bedroom and having a great time doing it. But a recent encounter ended badly, with the wife (aka our OP, or the author of the post) feeling like she’d been cheated on in the middle of her own threesome. She shared her experience with the Reddit r/relationship advice forum, and Redditors were more than ready to weigh in on the “tricky” situation. Keep reading for the full story.

If there’s one thing that Drs. John and Julie Gottman want every couple to know, it’s that fighting is normal. In fact, Julie tells SheKnows, 69 percent of all problems within a relationship are what the Gottmans call perpetual issues, meaning they don’t necessarily get solved… ever. “Don’t freak out about it,” says Julie, a clinical psychologist. “It’s normal.”

The Gottmans are both relationship experts, cofounders of The Gottman Institute, and co-authors of multiple bestselling books on love and marriage, so they know a few things about couples in conflict. Now they’re sharing that knowledge in their new book, Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict Into Connection, which has a simple but revolutionary thesis: that fighting with your partner, far from being a bad thing, is actually an opportunity for emotional intimacy. “Conflict has a goal,” says John, a professor emeritus of psychology at the University of Washington. “The goal is mutual understanding, as opposed to winning… It’s really a way we can get closer.” In other words, an argument with your partner isn’t a battle with a winner and a loser; it’s a collaboration, a way to connect.

It’s a nice way to think about it, but how do you actually do that in real life, when your blood’s boiling, your voice is raised, and this person you love looks more like an adversary? The Gottmans boiled down their decades of research into a few tangible tips for turning your arguments into moments of connection, and while doing so, they also unearthed several common mistakes preventing that from happening. Below, check out six things to avoid in your next argument with your partner and what to do instead.

Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict Into Connection

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Mistake #1: You’re coming in too hot.

The beginning of your argument or conflict conversation is extremely important, and not only for how the conversation is going to go. According to their research, Julie says, “the first three minutes of a conflict conversation predict with 96 percent accuracy how the rest of that conversation is going to go, and also [with 90 percent accuracy]… how the rest of the relationship is going to go,” up to six years down the line. That’s a lot of pressure to put on those first three minutes, but the Gottmans say there’s a formula that can help you succeed — and a few things to avoid.

Many people enter a conflict conversation by “dropping a bomb”: lobbing a verbal grenade and launching a surprise attack on their partner. This can look like harsh criticism of your partner (“You’re such a slob”), jumping into what they’re doing wrong (“Why can’t you just do the dishes for once?”), or piling on any other issues that have been bothering you, aka “kitchen sinking” (“I shouldn’t be surprised — it’s not like you ever do laundry or clean up after the kids.”).

Instead, the Gottmans suggest starting with a strategy they’ve observed in their most successful couples, aka the “masters of love.” There are three parts to it:

Start with your feelings: Whether you’re upset, stressed, angry, or sad, say what you’re feeling before you even get to talking about your partner.

State the situation that’s causing the feeling. Julie emphasizes that you want to point out a situation here (the dishes aren’t done), not a personality flaw of your partner (the dishes aren’t done because your partner is lazy).

Say what you need in a positive way. The Gottmans call this a positive need, meaning, you’re not telling your partner to stop doing something, but rather what they can do to fix the issue. It’s the difference between “Stop being so lazy” and “Can you do the dishes while I’m putting the kids to bed?” Your partner becomes your collaborator rather than your adversary.

Put together, this would look something like: “It stresses me out when you don’t do the dishes after I’ve cooked all evening. Would you mind starting on them while I put the kids to bed?” The conversation will be much more productive when your partner doesn’t feel attacked right out of the gate.

Mistake #2: You’re staying in the shallows

Remember those perpetual problems that are at the heart of most of our arguments with our partners? Just because they can’t be perfectly solved doesn’t mean you shouldn’t talk about them. There is often a core need, or what the Gottmans call a dream, at the heart of these perpetual problem gridlocks, something extremely important to one or both partners that hasn’t been unearthed or articulated.

Unless an issue is purely logistical, don’t stay on the surface. When you’re in conflict with your partner, Julie explains, it’s so important to “pause to deeply understand your partner’s position on something, including understanding what values are connected to it and what personal history might be connected.” For each partner, what’s the ideal outcome in this situation, “and is there some sense of life, purpose, or meaning attach to their position on this issue?” It’s crucial to understand the depths behind your differences in opinions before you even start moving toward resolving them.

Mistake #3: You’re compromising your core needs.

Relatedly, compromising is an important step to resolving an issue, but it’s crucial that the compromise doesn’t infringe upon one of your core needs or dreams. “If you give up a core need, then the compromise will be sabotaged,” John explains. “It won’t work. So you have to understand what each person’s core need is, and you have to protect that before you get into a solution to the problem.”

And yes, this means that some problems may not be resolved — and that some relationships, ultimately, won’t work out because of it. If one partner’s dream is to have children and the other’s is to stay childless, well, there’s no way to compromise on that without one partner sacrificing their dream. That leads to dissatisfaction, resentment, and an unhappy relationship — one that might be better off ending, so both partners can build the life they want.

Mistake #4: You’re on the negative side of the Magic Ratio.

The Gottmans’ research on couples’ conflicts revealed that couples who stay together happily are able to maintain a ratio of 5:1 positive to negative interactions in their arguments — in other words doing five positive things for every negative thing.

A positive interaction, in this case, could be as small as a nod or an acknowledgment that the partner is listening (like “I never thought of that” or “good point”), a gesture of affection or validation, or a moment of shared humor, interest or curiosity in what the other person is saying. Negative things might be expressions of angry criticism, defensiveness, contempt, or giving the silent treatment (more on those in a minute). The Gottmans’ “masters of love” would have a 5:1 ratio (or better) of positive to negative during an argument; the couples who ended up separating or staying together unhappily “had a ratio that averaged 0.8:1 — more negativity than positivity,” John explained. It’s important to have more positivity than negativity because the hurt of negative interactions and comments has a more lasting effect than positive ones, he says. “A lot more positivity has to be there to balance a negative.”

You can shift a conflict to the positive side, the Gottmans say, by making a repair attempt, which they define in Fight Right as “any comment or action that counteracts the negativity in a fight and prevents a conversation from escalating.” Repair attempts might include:

Crucially, both partners need to be open to a repair attempt, both the one making the attempt and the one responding to it.

Mistake #5: You’re being critical, contemptuous, defensive, or stonewalling.

The Gottmans call criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, because couples who exhibited these behaviors during conflict “were likely to split an average of five years post-wedding,” they write. These are the behaviors on the negative end of the magic ratio, the ones you want to avoid as much as possible.

What makes these behaviors so hurtful? For starters, Julie says, criticism “is a way of saying, ‘You’re not worthy of my love.'” It’s the opposite of showing love to a partner — you’re expressing how much you don’t love them and the specific things that you don’t like. It triggers insecurity and “can be very painful for people to hear, because it counteracts their basic need to be loved and to be respected.”

Contempt is the same thing, but done from a position of superiority. “That feels even worse,” Julie says. “[Contempt] is sulfuric acid on a relationship.”

Defensiveness, then, is a natural response to feeling attacked through criticism or contempt, an attempt to shield ourselves from the pain by reflecting it back on our partner. Stonewalling, meanwhile, happens when someone “completely shuts down” and is no longer able or willing to continue the conversation. “That signals to the other person, ‘They don’t wanna hear me. Maybe I’m being rejected,'” Julie explains, triggering feelings of abandonment or loneliness on the part of the person being stonewalled, when what they’re looking for is connection and communication.

Defensiveness and stonewalling often occur in moments of emotional flooding (more on that in a second), Julie adds, meaning that calling for a break — or, in the case of defensiveness, acknowledging to your partner that you’re feeling defensive — can defuse the situation and allow both of you to come back when the Four Horsemen aren’t quite so powerful.

Mistake #6: You’re getting flooded with emotion.

Maintaining the positive ratio and avoiding the Four Horsemen sounds simple enough until you’re actually in the argument, getting angry and frustrated with your partner. The Gottmans call this “flooding.” Similar to “fight or flight” mode, flooding occurs when we get “overwhelmed in conflict, hijacked by our own nervous system in response to negativity from our partners,” the Gottmans write. Flooding doesn’t mean you’re making a mistake per se, as it’s a natural reaction that many of us experience during conflict, but what you do when you’re getting flooded can determine the outcome of your argument and relationship. “When we see a pattern of flooding in a couple… we know that without intervention, they’re headed for a split,” the Gottmans write. That’s because, when you’re flooded, “you’re incapable of fighting right.” You just can’t process information, hear what your partner is saying, and respond instinctively with something negative.

If this experience sounds familiar, the first thing to do is recognize your own personal signs of flooding, which can include shortness of breath, elevated heart rate, face redness, or muscle tightness. If you start to feel any of these, Julie says, call for a break in the fight. When you do this, “everything needs to stop on a dime,” she explains. Then, tell your partner when you’ll come back to talk about it again; Julie says the break should last a minimum of 30 minutes and no longer than 24 hours.

While you’re taking your break, resist the urge to think about the fight or plan what you’re going to say when you come back; that’s just going to keep you in that flooded state. “Instead, you need to do something self-soothing,” Julie says, like exercising, going for a walk, doing yoga, listening to music, reading, doing email — anything that “gets your mind off the fight so that your body has a chance to metabolize the adrenaline and cortisol, the stress hormones that have flooded your blood supply,” she says.

When you and your partner reconvene, “typically you’ll be much more calm and gentle,” Julie says, which means you’ll be more capable of initiating repair attempts and interacting on the positive side of that magic ratio.

Before you go, check out our favorite books on manifesting the life of your dreams:

It seems as though Joe Biden is much more open about his sex life than others, and most recently, he divulged the saucy secret behind his strong, nearly 50-year marriage to First Lady Jill Biden.

In the upcoming book American Woman: The Transformation of the Modern First Lady, from Hillary Clinton to Jill Biden, author Katie Rogers takes readers through a comprehensive guide to modern First Ladies. And she recently gave DailyMail an excerpt, claiming that Joe once said the secret to his great marriage to Jill relies on “good sex.”

Rogers also said that Biden is open with the details of his and Jill’s sex life, and “much to his wife’s chagrin,” he gives marital advice to his aides.

Now, this actually isn’t the first time something like this has been mentioned by Joe. Back in 2006, when asked about running for President, per DailyMail, he said, “I’d rather be at home making love to my wife while my children are asleep.”

Along with that, they’re very open to PDA and are open to showing off their love for one another. However, it seems that while Joe enjoys talking about their sex life openly, Jill likes to remain more private about the details of their sex life.

For those who don’t know, Jill and Joe originally met back in 1975 on a blind date set up by his brother. They later married in 1977, and welcomed a daughter named Ashley Biden, born on June 8, 1981.

Before you go, click here to see our favorite photos of President Joe Biden’s big family.