General rule of thumb: if you think opening up your marriage or relationship will save your marriage or relationship, it’s probably not going to work. Don’t just take our word for it: experts and women who’ve tried open relationships (including one mom who wrote a bestselling memoir about the experience) have told SheKnows that open relationships are best started from a place of complete trust and commitment. If you’re dealing with deep marital issues, introducing other partners into the mix will probably not solve the issue.
We can understand the temptation, though. Let’s say, for example, your marriage is pretty much fine. You get along well, you’re good co-parents, you’ve invested a lot of time and effort into this partnership… but you’re just not sexually compatible anymore. At least one of you isn’t feeling fulfilled, for whatever reason. Why blow up the whole marriage when you could just open up your relationship and have your sexual needs met elsewhere?
That’s essentially the case for one woman on Reddit, who shared her story on the site’s Am I the Asshole? forum recently. Our OP (aka original poster, or the author of the post) is dealing with a classic dead bedroom issue with her husband and is at her wit’s end. She’s suggested an open marriage to avoid divorce, but after her husband’s response, now she’s wondering if she was an asshole for even bringing it up. Keep reading for the full story and Reddit’s response.
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Empty Nest Expectations
Image Credit: mimagephotos - stock.adobe.com OP and her husband, both in their mid-40s, have been married for over 20 years. They’re now empty nesters, and OP was expecting that their sex life would pick back up again once their youngest left. OP doesn’t have a particularly high sex drive, she says, but would like to get intimate once or twice a week. Doesn’t seem like a lot to ask, but as OP further reveals, she and her husband haven’t had sex in some time.
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Dead Bedroom
Image Credit: New Africa - stock.adobe.com Specifically, it’s been six or seven months since OP has had sex with her husband. He’s just not interested in being an active participant; he’ll ask OP for a blowjob, she explains, but doesn’t want to reciprocate.
This is a new issue over the last few months, OP adds, and she’s tried talking with her husband multiple times. “The only thing he’s said that he is tired, or that he just doesn’t feel up for it,” she writes. Understandably, it’s taken a major toll on OP. “It ruined my self esteem” and has her questioning her looks and whether she’s still attractive.
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An Honest Conversation
Image Credit: Malik/peopleimages.com - stock.adobe.com Finally, OP got “fed up” and told her husband how insecure the situation was making her. “He didn’t even care,” she said. He ended up putting their lack of sex down to a normal change that happens to “everyone” when they get older.
After multiple attempts at talking to her husband about this, OP said she finally mentioned divorce. “He begged me to not even bring it up, that he needs me in his life, that we have been together for this long and there’s no point of divorce,” OP says. Her response: that she can’t be expected to live without any intimacy.
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Trying an Open Marriage
Image Credit: Halfpoint - stock.adobe.com As a last resort, OP suggested they try an open marriage. “He immediately refused,” she says, telling her he could never accept the idea of her being with another man. “I don’t know if I was a horrible person for even bringing this up, but I feel miserable here.”
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Reddit Weighs In
Image Credit: Vorda Berge - stock.adobe.com OP asked Reddit whether she was in the wrong for suggesting an open marriage in this situation, and Reddit responded with a resounding no.
Many commenters were rightly insulted, on OP’s behalf, by her husband requesting oral sex without ever returning the favor. “Why are you giving him blow jobs if he is not doing anything for you? Say no,” one person wrote, with another calling the discrepancy a “dealbreaker.”
Other people suggested OP’s husband make a doctor’s appointment to check his testosterone levels. “It’s not uncommon for big dips in men in their late 40s,” they said, which would affect OP’s husband’s sex drive. A good point, but there’s still her husband’s total lack of interest about OP’s pleasure, and the way he shuts down any conversation about it…
One commenter asked if OP’s husband even wanted to be married to her anymore or if he was “just comfortable” and (as other commenters added) getting enough positives out of the marriage still (oral sex, general caretaking) that it’s better for him to stay. But what about OP? What’s she getting out of it at this point? This commenter advised OP to go for a solo holiday, if possible, and get some clarity on what she wants from her life and relationships.
Another commenter observed that there’s no point in divorce for OP’s husband, but there’s plenty of reasons for OP herself to want a divorce. “You matter. He doesn’t seem to understand that,” they wrote. “He just wants you to quit bugging him about your needs and find a way to be happy without having them met” — while OP continues to make his life easier. This Redditor described OP’s husband as “a taker,” and told OP she’ll have to look out for herself, since he’s clearly not going to do so.
We agree, and appreciate that these commenters are addressing the heart of the issue (OP’s husband refusing to meet her needs) and not the symptom that her post was framed around (his refusal of an open marriage). It seems unlikely that opening up her marriage would do OP any real good at this point, because she’ll still be married to a man that apparently doesn’t value her. An open relationship, like a monogamous one, has to begin from a place of mutual trust and understanding, and we’re not sure those are present in OP’s marriage anymore.
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