A Woman Thinks Her Husband Cheated During a Mutual Threesome & Reddit Says That’s Not How It Works

“Very Open”

OP writes that she and her husband have been “very open for non-monogamous sex” during their relationship. In their case, that means threesomes between the two of them and one other person. She said their threesomes with other girls were “very much enjoyed” by everyone involved. After one consistent third partner stopped seeing them to explore more serious relationships, OP and her husband have been looking for other women to invite into the bedroom.

A New Partner

OP’s husband was interested in trying out a threesome with “another specific girl,” OP writes. OP was open to it, and after meeting with her several times, thought the new woman would be a “great match” — she was attractive, kind, and confident.

Feeling Left Out

Cut to OP and her husband’s first sexual encounter with the new woman, which didn’t exactly go as planned. “I was more a bystander than an active participant,” OP writes. The other woman was “allll over” her husband in a way that OP felt uncomfortable with. And whenever OP’s husband would try to get the other woman to include OP, “she simply wouldn’t.”

OP was on the verge of crying and throwing up when her husband and the other woman started having sex, describing it as intimate in a way their previous threesomes had never been. “I was literally sitting there on the bed, completely naked, watching my husband make love to another woman,” she writes.

“Not a Good Match”

Talking about the situation afterward, OP’s husband said the other woman was “a little too into him” and not enough into OP — which, she said, is the part that turns him on anyway (which some Redditors later questioned… more on that in a minute). They agreed the other woman wasn’t a good match for them, but while OP’s husband didn’t think it was a big deal, OP disagreed. She felt “horrible” about what she’d seen. “I’m so confused and honestly hurt.”

What Does Reddit Think?

In the title of OP’s post, she said felt she’d somehow been cheated on in the midst of this threesome. In the comments, though, Redditors reminded her that she’d agreed to the threesome, so her husband hadn’t exactly cheated — she was just picking up on (and understandably hurt by) the emotional intimacy between her husband and the other woman.

One commenter said they wouldn’t consider the situation cheating, but said it seemed like an “almost inevitable complication in an already pretty complicated dynamic.” That said, the commenter said it was totally understandable to be hurt. Her husband, they said, “crossed a line” by continuing to “deepen” the experience with a partner who had excluded his wife. With that in mind, the commenter also pointed out that the other woman’s interest in OP may not exactly be the only reason why her husband likes the threesomes. “If that were the case, her ignoring you wouldn’t have resulted in deeply intimate sex between them,” they wrote.

Other commenters agreed and wondered why OP’s husband hadn’t called off the threesome when it was clear that OP was being ignored and upset about it.

Either way, Redditors gave OP some advice: she and her husband need to establish clear boundaries and parameters for their threesomes. Boundaries are important in any relationship but especially in open relationships or ethical non-monogamy, experts have previously told SheKnows, as they can help partners from getting hurt in these tough situations. To start with, one Redditor said, “You might need to sit together and agree that if there is any discomfort, either one of you can call it quits without fear of repercussions. You might also need to agree on excluding certain acts of intimacy.” Other commenters recommended all partners establish a safe word to stop the encounter if needed.

The top commenter sympathized with OP, noting that “threesomes can be tricky.” They observed that typically one person ends up being left out and in OP’s case, that was usually her husband — a role he enjoys, meaning that he may not realize how much it hurt OP to be in that situation. “You’ve got to communicate more about it,” the commenter said. “If you’ve only had one conversation about this since it happened you’re not communicating nearly enough.” OP and her husband should be at a place of total emotional openness, they said, so that they feel totally safe and comfortable speaking up about their feelings during or after a threesome.

We think the top commenter has it right: communication is the only solution here. The good news is that OP and her husband are already on the same page about not seeing this other woman again; that leaves the door open for them to turn back towards each other and let OP fully express how hurt she was by this situation. It’s never easy to talk about the things that hurt us (vulnerability is scary!) but it’s the best way to show how you truly feel — and will might even OP and her husband even closer as a result.