Christmas came — I was three months pregnant at the time — and my husband sweetly labeled all my gifts To Mommy, From Carly. Yes, I was that sure. Mother’s intuition, right? I felt it in my bones that my growing baby was a girl, and I couldn’t wait for her to experience the mother-daughter bond that I’m lucky enough to have with my own mom.

At my 20-week ultrasound, when the tech asked if we’d like to know the baby’s sex, I was eager for confirmation of what I already knew. She glided the wand to a specific spot on my belly, smiled, and said, “There’s the penis!”

“My daughter has a penis?!” I blurted out, completely surprised, and then embarrassed the instant the words escaped me. I clapped my hands to my mouth, then lowered them and tried again. “It’s … a boy?”

The ultrasound tech showed me exactly what part was what, and sure enough, “Carly” was not in fact a Carly at all. I wasn’t disappointed, just utterly shocked; I loved my baby more than anything already, no matter what. But as the realization sunk in, so did the fear. I had been so sure of having a girl. What on earth was I going to do with a son?!

A daughter would have been easy, I thought, given that I had a literal lifetime of experience being a girl myself. I would know exactly how to raise one. But a son was different — I’ve never been a boy. I’ve never even been boy-ish. I don’t know what it feels like, in any capacity. I can’t relate to the things they go through on the same level I could with a daughter. The gender norms so deeply ingrained in our society, in myself, made me fear a gap so wide I couldn’t possibly bridge it. For the rest of my pregnancy, I worried endlessly that I wouldn’t be able to connect with my son the way I wanted to. Would it lead to a lifetime of misunderstandings? Would we ever be truly close?

The moment I first held my baby boy in my arms, though, all that fear melted away. And over that baby’s now-18 years — during which I added three more sons to my life — I realized some valuable things: boys need their moms just as much as girls do. Boys love their moms just as much as girls do. You are no less important to a son than you would be to a daughter. Gender doesn’t matter when it comes to a parent’s ability to love and understand their child. And there’s just something so special about being a boy’s mama.

I understand why people without sons are apprehensive about it sometimes — just like I was. I’ve been told on more than one occasion that stories about my boys’ shenanigans (and there have been many!) serve as great birth control, and I’m not sure if I should feel offended or proud. Either way, raising sons truly is an adventure, not for the faint of heart … or the weak of stomach. And having multiple boys is like having a bunch of big, hungry, loud, endlessly energetic puppies tumbling around all the time.

More than anything else, though? It’s amazing. Moms who are raising sons are a unique breed. We’re able to understand the male perspective, and then offer up opinions from the other side. We’re in the rare position of teaching our sons not only their own self-worth, but the worth of women. We know that boys’ hearts are huge and tender and broken just as easily as anyone else’s, even if they deal with it differently — and when it happens, we are their safe place. No matter how big they get (and trust me, they’ll start to tower over you sooner than you can imagine), there’s always room for them in our arms.

Being the mom of a son means being the recipient of the deepest, fiercest love. Nobody makes a disparaging comment about a boy’s mama. We have an exalted status in their eyes, and to belittle us is to cross a line you just don’t cross. Even when your son is angry with you, the intensity of his love is always there — just as even when it’s overcast, the sun is still shining behind the clouds.

So maybe you can’t relate to a son in exactly the same way that you’d relate to a daughter. But you can love him just as fully. You can be the center of his universe, at least for a precious while. You can marvel at the fascinating changes as he grows, and see the potential unfolding before your eyes. You can teach him what it is to be a man, and help him understand what it’s like to be a woman. You can be supportive of him, cheer him on, and always be in his corner. And above all, you can be confident that his loyalty and love for you is strong and abiding.

I never did get the daughter I was so sure I’d have. But I got something I never expected: my sons, and all the beautiful, messy, chaotic, touching moments we are beyond privileged to have. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Before you go, check out these celebrity mothers who love being boy moms.

The 2024 “rookies” were announced earlier this month and the cover stars will be announced in May. In 2023, the cover stars were Martha Stewart, Megan Fox, Kim Petras, and Brooks Nader — among 24 additional models making appearances across the issue’s pages. Sports Illustrated Swimsuit editor-in-chief M.J. Day explained at the time, “There is no theme — rather, there is a vision, a sentiment, a hope that women can live in a world where they feel no limitations, internally or externally.” She added, “But the absence of a theme is not to say that [these women] don’t share certain common traits. They’re constantly evolving.”

Stewart, for her part, blew up any idea that women can’t look or feel good once they reach a certain age with her jaw-droppingly gorgeous cover photos. The 81-year-old lifestyle maven told the magazine, “When I heard that I was going to be on the cover of Sports Illustrated Swimsuit, I thought, ‘Oh, that’s pretty good, I’m going to be the oldest person I think ever on a cover of Sports Illustrated.’ And I don’t think about age very much, but I thought that this is kind of historic,” she shared. Historic, badass, completely amazing — yes indeed.

And Stewart isn’t the only SI model making history. Nicole Williams English is one of 28 models for the 2023 issue, and she just happened to be 7 months pregnant at the time of her photoshoot — making her only the second woman to shoot for SI while carrying a child, after Katrina Scott made history as the first to do so in 2022.

Williams English told the magazine, “The fact that I’m actually a rookie and shooting while pregnant, it’s just really cool to know that my baby girl is going through this with me and that one day she’s gonna look back and see all these photos and know that she was shooting for SI with mama.”

To see which celebrity mamas have graced the illustrious pages of Sports Illustrated Swimwear, scroll on.

Shields is the mother of daughters Rowan Francis Henchy, born in 2003, and Grier Hammond Henchy, born in April 2006. Throughout the years, Shields has been an active and supportive participant in their lives. It hasn’t always been easy, as any mother would know and understand. Shields has faced her own doubts and fears, but she’s always reconciled with them, looking for the happy moments and fulfilling milestones rather than indulging in the negative. 

While Shields has surely taught her two daughters, whom she shares with husband of more than 20 years Chris Henchy, a lot, they’ve taught her a thing or two as well. And isn’t that what motherhood is all about? Imparting wisdom to your children, while they teach you something in return? Well, Shields has learned a lot from motherhood, so read on for some of her very best quotes about motherhood — we’re sure a few will resonate with you.

While I wasn’t a teen when I dated my abuser, many adolescents are victims of domestic violence. According to the Centers For Disease Control and Prevention, almost 1 in 11 girls and 1 in 14 boys of high school age report experiencing dating violence in the last year. According to the U.S. Office of Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention, 19% of teens in the United States have experienced physical or sexual violence from a dating partner, 50% have faced stalking or harassment, and 65% have reported experiencing psychological abuse in their relationships.

This knowledge, paired with the heartbreaking truth of how some abusive relationships can end — the high-profile case of Gabby Petito is just one example — may prompt some parents to wonder how they help protect their children, no matter their age.

According to Dr. Anisha Patel-Dunn, a practicing psychiatrist and chief medical officer of LifeStance Health, victims of domestic violence often avoid confiding in family members. “They may feel embarrassed about opening up to their parents out of fear that they’ll be judged or blamed for the situation,” Patel-Dunn tells SheKnows. “While victims are never at fault, they may feel like they ‘caused’ the situation, which can contribute to confusion when it comes to confiding in a loved one or parent.”

“Pink flags don’t always seem unhealthy, which makes them trickier to identify.”

Abuse often starts off slowly, presenting itself with “pink flags” — meaning, small incidents that hardly seem impactful on their own: An unkind word, hints of jealousy, the occasional angry outburst, typically followed by loving apologies. Parents don’t always bear witness to these events and like many others, I didn’t divulge my relationship problems to my parents, namely because I didn’t want to turn them against my partner.

More obvious signs of domestic violence can include your child spending an increasing amount of time with their partner while abandoning their personal interests, which can signify that they’re losing their individuality. Or, they might express concern about being separated from their partner or fearing missing their calls or texts (and becoming overly apologetic when they do). According to Patel-Dunn, this could mean your child is uncomfortable making decisions without their partner’s approval. For example, if your child always bends to the whims of their partner, it may indicate they’re trying to avoid conflict, as opposed to finding a compromise. “It’s subtle, and not something that signifies domestic violence in a silo, but along with other red flags can signal an inability or fear of making decisions that would upset a partner or trigger them in any way,” she explains.

Pink flags don’t always seem unhealthy which makes them trickier to identify. According to clinical psychologist Dr. Bethany Cook, an oft-overlooked warning sign is “a sudden onset of happiness, euphoria, and excitement stemming from a new relationship with someone else.” While those emotions can reflect a happy and healthy relationship, they can also be the result of a practice called “Love Bombing,” when abusers use an onslaught of positive words to manipulate their partner’s emotions in order to win their trust and loyalty, with the ultimate goal of exploitation.

“The good news is, parents can talk to their children about domestic violence even before it becomes a concern.”

As a parent, you may not witness “love bombing” in action, but the aftermath can trigger changes in your child’s moods or behavior. “When someone is being love-bombed they feel on top of the world and are often very happy and joyful,” Cook tells SheKnows. “However, the abuser may stop calling your child, ignore their texts, or become verbally abusive” triggering a rollercoaster of emotions.

Other signs of domestic violence: If your child is still living at home, you may notice their partner popping up unannounced and demanding they drop everything to be with them. “This person may also purposefully show up at family events to which they were not invited and refuse to leave unless your child goes with them,” Cook says. “This individual may also complain about your child’s friends in an effort to guilt him or her into spending less time with them.”

While Patel-Dunn says domestic violence signs can vary, “Anytime parents notice a sudden change in their child’s attitude or behavior, I recommend finding a safe place and time to talk.” If you are concerned, have a private conversation with your child. “But avoid communicating through phone or email, as abusers may monitor electronic communication,” she says.

If you’re unsure about how to begin, Cook advises asking general questions like, “Are you happy?” or “Does this person inspire you to be a better version of yourself?” before sharing specific changes you’ve noticed in your child’s behavior. “Ask if they’ve noticed the changes as well. Ask them if they like the changes.” However, try to remain calm and avoid accusations. “Give objective feedback. Maybe they haven’t noticed these behaviors,” she says.

Unfortunately, prohibiting your child from seeing their partner can backfire. “Unless you plan on locking your kid in their room and removing all contact with the outside world, it’s really hard to enforce that mandate,” explains Cook.

The good news is, parents can talk to their children about domestic violence even before it becomes a concern. That’s because kids pick up cues about what is, and isn’t, appropriate in relationships long before they’re ready to date. “Parents start to influence their child’s tolerance for abuse from the time they are old enough to refuse a kiss or a hug from Grandma,” says Cook. “It all starts with consent: Do you allow your child to have full autonomy of themselves from a young age? Do you educate them about consent? Do you teach them that it’s okay to say ‘No’ and that word is a complete sentence without explanation?”

One common way that parents unintentionally gaslight young children is by invalidating their feelings. According to Cook, statements like “Don’t cry, you just scraped your knee,” “Don’t be a baby,” or “You’re not afraid, you’ve had shots before — just relax” can condition kids to accept another person’s version of events.

Once children are tweens and become aware of romantic relationships, parents can directly address appropriate behavior when they witness real-world examples.

These conversations don’t have to be big sit-down moments either — they can occur organically. “Point out every time you see victim-blaming in the media and talk about how everyone is responsible for their own actions and reactions,” says Cook. And instill the idea that it’s everyone’s responsibility to control their own anger without getting violent. “An abuser’s behaviors reflect their inner world, not yours,” she says.

If you’ve discovered that your child has been the victim of domestic violence, you may feel as though you’re partially to blame because you didn’t see the signs, however, experts agree that this couldn’t be further from the truth. “I want to reiterate that domestic violence is never the victim’s fault or the victim’s family’s fault, and it can happen to anyone regardless of gender, socioeconomic status, race, ethnicity, or sexual orientation,” says Patel-Dunn. “It’s a common tactic for abusers to claim that the fault lies with the victim, but that is so they can continue the emotional abuse and shame their victims.”

“About one in four women and one in seven men will experience violence by an intimate partner in their lifetime,” Patel-Dunn continues. “While victims may feel isolated and alone, there are a number of resources and support available.” Here are a few suggestions.

That day in my parents’ kitchen, I began the process of leaving my abuser, which I couldn’t have done without their love and support. While no parent can outright prevent their child from experiencing an abusive relationship, recognizing the signs and knowing how to help can possibly save their life.

If you or someone you know is experiencing abuse, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233, visit thehotline.org, or text “START” to 88788.

Read on for celebrity moms who battled postpartum depression. 

It may have just been the sheer factor of having time alone, which is a rarity for me as a work-from-home mom. But a few days later, on a Target run with my kids, I decided to add a new pajama set to my cart, and I felt that same little mood-lifting thrill. 

There’s something about treating yourself to a little something — a fun coffee drink, an Amazon Prime steal, a cookie after lunch — that feels luxurious and indulgent, albeit without the guilt or stress associated with actual luxury or indulgence. Because while TikTok content can certainly be a vehicle for misinformation or problematic messaging, there’s one TikTok trend I can get on board with: Little treat culture.

Little treat culture is all about treating yourself to a little something fun when you’re stressed or sad or even just inconvenienced. Think: Grabbing a cupcake after a long day at work, or buying a new lipstick while picking up a prescription. Think of it as the TikTokified (and often less expensive) version of retail therapy.

This hits differently when you’re a mom. We tend to be so consumed with doing for our kids and households, we put ourselves on the back burner. So when we do give ourselves permission to buy the $20 pajama set, or sit and drink the overpriced latte, it feels like we’re pouring into our own cups for a change.

But when we pull ourselves out of the moment, we have to do that thing moms can’t help but do: We have to wonder how our personal relationships with little treat culture will affect our kids.

It’s no secret that social media promotes consumerism. I’d be lying if I said that I, a fully grown woman, am immune to the pull of wanting more and more based on what I see online. So how is this going to affect my kids? How will they learn to distinguish between healthy indulgences and unnecessary ones? And if I, their ultimate influencer, fall under the influence myself, how will that affect them down the line?

According to Courtney Morgan, Licensed Therapist (LPCC) & Founder at Counseling Unconditionally, watching a parent enjoy little treat culture won’t necessarily harm kids.

“I do not believe that ‘little treat culture’ is significantly impactful to children,” Morgan tells SheKnows. “I believe the insignificant impacts would be positive, such as watching their parent experience joy in something small, or seeing someone online add a little fun to their typical day. [It’s] about making the mundane a little bit more exciting.”

But as always, there’s a healthy balance we need to strike. “It would be negative if a person were to cause financial stress over their need for ‘little treats’,” says Morgan.

Morgan is right: Little treat culture is subjective. What feels like an insignificant spend to one family may be a big deal to another, and social media can’t always be the blueprint. Sure, your favorite influencer may share that her life has improved since she started treating herself to Starbucks every morning, but that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s the right move for everyone.

Like the concept of self-care, which took on a really commodified flavor thanks to social media, little treat culture requires limitations — and it can’t take the place of actually taking care of ourselves. Treating myself to a new nail polish is no substitute for facing stressors head on, getting enough rest, and staying on top of my physical and mental health. Ultimately, I want my kids to see that example and apply it to their own lives. I don’t want them to think that buying a new Stanley cup will fix all their problems, because at the end of the day, it simply won’t. 

According to psychologist Ray Christner, Psy.D., my kids won’t necessarily think they can use a little treat as a replacement for true self-care just because they hear their mom say, “Ugh, I’m having a rough day, let’s go get ice cream”. That is, as long as I model balance and moderation, and keep a few things in mind.

“The ‘little treat culture’ is really interesting, and if used the right way, it can be great for both adults and kids,” Christner tells SheKnows. “Let’s start with the good stuff. Rewarding yourself can be a great motivator. In fact, there is science to show that when we treat ourselves, we get a ‘dopamine boost.’ This is associated with pleasure, so it has a positive impact on mood. For kids watching, this can be an effective way to learn about rewarding themselves when they achieve something, as they will model behaviors of others. The other piece is self-care. These little treats can show children that it’s okay to take a break and treat ourselves.”

However, it’s not all good, and we have to be mindful of the fact that little treat culture can become a crutch or make us overly reliant on those instant dopamine hits as coping strategies. In our world of social media-driven consumerism, it’s really important that we teach kids that materialism needs to have its limits.

“If the treats are always about buying stuff or immediate pleasures, it might teach kids to be more materialistic or always want instant rewards,” says Christner. “When these treats are all over social media, kids might start thinking they need to keep up. This social comparison can make them feel bad about themselves or their own lives.”

One thing that may be helpful? We can teach our kids that it’s not just the thing we acquire, but also the experience of acquiring it that feels so good. So maybe, instead of focusing just on the new toy you bought your child, you talk about how much fun you had going to the store and choosing something new together.

“I think the trick to the ‘little treats culture’ is balance,” says Christner. “It’s also important to mix in ‘treats’ that aren’t about material things — like hanging out together, making your favorite dinner, enjoying a hobby, or just relaxing.”

Sometimes, it might feel like you’re misinterpreting all of their cues, and nothing you do seems to go the right way. Everything you say, even the most complimentary statement, goes in one ear and out the other. Your gifts are received unenthusiastically. Your hugs cause your youngest to recoil. The good news is that the issue likely isn’t your intention; you and your kid might speak different love languages.

Coined by author Dr. Gary Chapman, the five love languages outline different ways people commonly express and receive love: physical touch, quality time, receiving gifts, affirmation, and acts of service. As Chapman explains in his book, The Five Love Languages, knowing someone else’s love language can help them feel acknowledged and important, ultimately allowing for the relationship to deepen.

Though the concept was initially applied to romantic relationships, writer Nicole Black says tapping into her kids’ love languages is “one of the simplest and most powerful ways to connect with our kids in meaningful ways.”

Again, you’re not omnipotent. So, how are you supposed to know what your child’s love language is? All you need to do is look at their behavior, Black says.

“If your child needs lots of hugs and hand holding and wants to sit on your lap and leaves you no personal space, it’s probably physical touch,” she says. “If they give you lots of compliments and often tell you how pretty you look, it might be words of affirmation.”

Kids who like receiving gifts might give them more frequently, while kids who value quality time might ask you to read or play with them, Black explains. Meanwhile, those who value acts of service might offer to help with chores. (Why this isn’t a universal love language is a particularly cruel mystery.)

While child counselor Katie Lear says that “children’s love languages become apparent around the time that they develop language and can verbally express what they want,” babies can give clues too.

Balint Horvath, who runs the site Projectfather, says he’s found success using his “dominant” love languages — physical touch, words of affirmation, and quality time — with his 16-month-old daughter. “She loves tummy and foot rubs when changing diapers,” he says. “She likes receiving compliments for the good that she’s done … She enjoys it when I spend time with her in the playground.”

“By knowing these love languages, I gain a deeper understanding into my daughter and how to make her feel loved,” he adds.

Sometimes, though, your love languages won’t sync up, which can be a bit awkward at first, says child counselor Katie Lear.

“Understanding your child’s love language is especially helpful when a child’s temperament is different than your own,” she says. Lear adds that this understanding can also put “otherwise confusing behavior” in perspective: “For example, why your child seems clingy when you may be feeling touched out, or why one of your children seems to crave individual time more than his siblings.”

It can also help you make sense of some of their more frustrating habits. “Maybe your love language is acts of service, and you’ve been feeling particularly down about your child who constantly ‘forgets’ his one chore, but he’s always quick to tell you with his words how much he loves and appreciates you,” Lear says. “Noticing these other expressions of love can make the forgotten chore sting a little less and help you figure out how to make chores more of a priority in a more loving way.”

That last bit might be the key to creating — and sustaining — a relationship that benefits everyone. Because speaking someone’s love language isn’t just a way to appease them; it’s also meant to model healthy communication with others, in which all parties can feel safe to express their needs and wants.

And though it might be tough, speaking someone else’s love language isn’t something you can phone in; it’s an action that you have to commit to daily. It requires patience and empathy, two life skills that can significantly help your child in all future relationships. Like anything else in parenting, often, the best way to teach is to show — and not just when things are easy. Taking the time to connect with your kids in their preferred ways when life gets tough will help them feel “loved and cared for during stressful times,” Lear says.

“If possible, find a short and predictable time each day during which you can put down the phone and set aside any thoughts about your work-from-home job duties to interact with your child one-on-one,” she adds. “You don’t have to do anything particularly special or time-consuming: 15 minutes of Legos or dollhouse play or some time spent quietly drawing together is enough. If your child’s love language is physical touch, this could be a great time to cuddle up together or play a game of tag in the backyard. Let your child lead the play and set the agenda and follow her lead.”

Helping children feel safe and secure at home can, ultimately, help them feel more confident out in the world. The actions we take today, however small — a hug, one more bedtime story, or a handwritten note — can pave the way for a brighter future. And, boy, could we use some more kindness right now.

Before you go, check out some of the most heartfelt messages from celebrities to their kids.

When I met my husband and my four bonus kids, I already had two teenage daughters, and began to build the big, beautiful blended family I never imagined.

My tally: two mostly sane, completely lovely daughters; one divorce decree I still couldn’t bear to look at; one well-used Netflix account (minus the “and-chill” option). My girls were already fluffing their fledgling feathers and planning futures that did not include me (beyond phone calls and visits, that is). This was a fact that made me both proud and heartbreakingly lonely at the prospect of an empty nest. It meant I had done my job as a mama — but divorce wasn’t supposed to be part of my life equation.

I wanted to grow old with someone who would be kind, even if the years were not. I wanted to share a Netflix account. I wanted to buy appallingly cheesy Valentine’s Day cards in the “husband” section — reaching for them with my shaky, mottled 90-year-old hands.

But it seemed unlikely to happen. In 2015, after a string of unsatisfying post-divorce relationships (a generous word to describe the utterly mismatched pairings I attempted), I gave up on dating. I tried to focus on the perks of my soon-to-be empty nest as a single mom. Soon enough, I would be free to leave the tiny, maddeningly gossipy town in Massachusetts where I couldn’t shake the Scarlet D (“divorcée”) branded on my forehead. There was no one else to consider. I could do as I pleased. I was unlikely to be a cat lady, but a dog lady was entirely possible — wherever I wished to be. 

I signed up for real estate listings: small, dilapidated cabins in Maine (where I would work at a newspaper in a tiny coastal town, naturally) or overlooked scraps of land in Montana (a tiny house with a homemade fence and a rescue horse). Why not? I did not need a man, would not need a man. I would be my own valentine — permanently. I would never lack for champagne or chocolate or heart-shaped knickknacks mined from the detritus of T.J. Maxx. I made Pinterest boards of how to build pens for goats and donkeys, how to hang shelves without finding a stud, wall or otherwise.

And that was the plan — until I somehow enlisted for a second tour of motherhood duty.

In 2016, after a year away from dating, and from any thought of a partner, I met my second husband online. We met on a dating app based on elaborate value-matching algorithms. It had worked for a dear friend. “Just give it a try,” she pleaded. “Don’t give up yet.”

My friend knew the dream for me had always included a partner, that elusive best friend-lover combination. So basic, my daughters would say. But I am basically basic at heart. I’d tried other dating sites: PlentyOfFish, OKCupid, Match. Oh, the snark! The games! The false bravado! What was one more dating app in the grander scheme of life humiliations?

The dating site in question decided that my perfect match was a strong-jawed, sweet-eyed oncologist in Wisconsin. He was so pretty it hurt my eyes (and my thighs) to look at his pictures. He was just too pretty for me. There was no way in hell this guy would talk to me at a bar in real life. Each day for a week, my finger hovered over the delete button when I revisited his profile. He skied. He swam. He ran marathons. He had completed an Ironman in excellent time. Surely this guy could find a sexy spandex-clad gazelle in his state. Surely this dude had no use for a quirky, often depressed, sports-bra-loathing writer and single mom in New England. After all, he hadn’t reached out yet either.

Then I saw it on his profile, something I had missed: a photo of him standing in front of what was presumably his 40th birthday cake. He was wearing out-of-fashion 1990s glasses and a comic book T-shirt. He was losing his hair. And he was beaming down at two little boys who were beaming right back at him.

I melted. Jaw guy was confusing, but this guy? This guy I could fall for. I did the equivalent of dropping a lace handkerchief in Jane Austen’s day; I sent him a winky face. An “icebreaker,” the site called it.

The ice broke. He wrote me back almost instantly.

I will spare you the details of our long-distance courtship, my ongoing nagging worry about the scarcity of athletic-wear in my closet and the vast differences in how we process information (he once pointed out an “auxiliary area for bowls” in the dishwasher, good lord). But I was quickly in love with his goodness, his honesty, his gentleness, his complete lack of dating mojo (dude had queen-size Star Wars sheets when he first took me to bed) and his obvious delight in being a father. His center-midfielder soccer legs weren’t half bad either. This love could be big, I thought. I could feel my heart swelling with each phone call, each Skype session, each visit. I could feel his heart unfolding too.

But this big love came with an even bigger catch: He also had a divorce decree in his back pocket — and four children from his first marriage. Four.

They were younger than mine. He had many, many days of fathering ahead of him, with kids aged 10, 8, 6 and 5. The elder three were boys. I knew nothing about boys. His youngest was a girl, almost exactly a decade younger than my firstborn. And his ex-wife and current co-parent — a Prada-clad yoga instructor who still wrote pining haiku on Twitter that may or may not have been about him — lived on the same road two houses down. To say this was a lot to process would be a hilarious understatement.

Was I up for this kind of valentine — for this complicated life — if it came with the love I’d wanted for so long?

We wasted little time with small talk. After our first face-to-face time together, we decided we had to meet each other’s families. Everything for us required a big talk. There were six kids tangled up in whatever we chose to do or not do. Prolonging a long-distance relationship without a sense of each other’s children, each other’s parenting … it made no sense. This was either going to be a big, quick, nice-meeting-y’all fail or a long, slow, committed success. There weren’t any other options — not for us. We weren’t about to put our kids through another divorce, or let our kids bond with a new partner who might bolt.

I had already ended several relationships post-divorce because — while my own ability to swallow bullsh*t and crap behavior was pathologically strong — I refused to continue with anyone who might ever direct that bullsh*t toward my kids. I did not expect anyone to have instant love for my babies, but I needed to see that it was possible in another soul: that they understood children, that they understood my fierce kind of mama bear love.

When my now-husband first visited me, my daughters, and my mother in Massachusetts, we decided to try a new and very busy Italian restaurant. As I studied his kind profile and watched him joking with my girl posse, pessimist brain took over. Surely this won’t work, I thought. There’s too much working against us for a love like this to take root — too many souls involved. A relationship between two people is difficult enough; this one was a Venn diagram, and every compartment required finesse and patience and time.

Then he reached out to gently touch our server’s arm. He gestured to my younger daughter, who was ready to eat the tablecloth after a day of dance.

“Could we get some bread or rolls?” he asked the server warmly while gesturing to Hannah. “She’s been dancing all day and really needs to eat.” 

My daughters and my mother had liked him already; this quick reflex of his to get food into a hungry kid sealed the deal for them. In retrospect, I see, it sealed the deal for me, although I didn’t know it yet.

When it was my turn to meet his four kids, I tried to channel my inner Julie Andrews by singing in the shower. “An oncologist and four children / What’s so fearsome about that?” Our first dinner with his babies happened at their Wisconsin dining room table. I had never doubted I was good with kids, but would I be good enough for these kids?

His firstborn is a kindly diplomat. As an awkward silence settled over the table, the 10-year-old turned to me and asked me what my favorite color was. Blue-green, I told him. He said that was a great color. My not-yet-husband smiled at me as the other kids began chattering about favorite colors, favorite animals, favorite sports. I exhaled very slowly, relieved. This was not the lifetime valentine this ever-single mom had expected, but suddenly, it was the only valentine I wanted.

It has not been an easy journey, blending this family. I have traveled between my girls, who needed to stay in Massachusetts for school, and my husband and his family, lugging my writing work back and forth. Even now, we have not managed to find a way to live together full-time as a married couple. But we inch closer to it with each month — tweaking this, tweaking that, making plans.

We may be slightly insane, but we are happy. We look like the Brady Bunch: three adorable girls, three handsome boys. We asked each other’s children for permission to marry — permission was granted by all offspring — but our valentine Venn diagram includes co-parents. Thankfully, our ex-spouses have come around to accepting (and even approving of) our love adventure three years in the making. His ex-wife knows my daughters well (and even took one salsa dancing and to a Brandi Carlile concert). My ex-husband joined us in our Massachusetts backyard for a Memorial Day barbecue.

We do not parent the same way. My husband is permissive, doting even. He can roll with a lot of chaos, admirably; I tend to need order to keep my raging anxiety at bay. Our expectations for our respective offspring are very different. Often, I need to retreat, repeating my silent mantra: Not exactly my circus, not exactly my monkeys. I can love the heck out of his kids, but he’s in charge of that particular circus — just like I’m in charge of my own two-daughter tightrope act.

Part of this love has been learning to give the benefit of the doubt to everyone involved all the time. It’s not an easy lesson to swallow. That learning curve is steep, brutally so. When we took a cross-country road trip with all the kids this summer in a rented RV that smelled like old hot dogs and geriatric urine, I nearly had a breakdown — much to my husband’s shock and frustration. Why couldn’t I roll with it — just relax?

But each hurdle, each obstacle, has only served to make us better, stronger. Will I get that remote tiny house in Montana, that rescue pony? Doubtful. Is this a pretty good trade? Definitely.

This Christmas — a year and a half into life with me as his stepmom — my eldest stepson gave me sparkling blue-green earrings, exactly my favorite color. “I love you, Jenn,” he said, hugging me hard, even now that he’s reached the awkward age of 13.

“I love you too,” I said, holding him tight.

I love them all, even when I do not like what they do — even when they do not like what I do or what their stepsisters do. The “I do” my husband and I said to each other during our marriage ceremony applies to every one of our shared six children. I do. I will. I will stay, no matter what. You are stuck with me, and I am here for you. I know you were in my love’s life before I was, and I honor that.

I know my stepsons and my stepdaughter are not “mine” (ah, that funny word when applied to people). There is sometimes grief in this for me, of loving a partner with whom I will never have a biological child. 

But this here “for better or for worse” is so much better than I could have ever imagined — so much so, that I believe I can handle any of the “worse” that comes along with it. This big, blended love is an origami paper valentine heart that keeps opening wider and bigger and brighter — with no end in sight.

That was only the first day of many months of feeling out of control. I really felt like my family unit was breaking. The anticipation of saying goodbye snuck up on me and overwhelmed me at random moments. I cried doing the dishes. At the grocery store. In the shower. I was a mess.

Okay, so this wasn’t exactly a new sensation. I also wept when this same child went to overnight camp for the first time. Apparently, I’m not so great with transitions. It got easier with each subsequent child — but that poor firstborn always gets the dubious honor of teaching me the ropes.

Master of the Rodeo

Fast-forward a bunch of years, and we’ve now sent five kids to college. That’s five rodeos, so in theory, each one should have gotten easier. But here’s the thing: each time was its own first. Three kids applied to college with very little fanfare. They pretty much drove the process. We read their essays, took them to campus visits, and helped with the final decision. Two could have used a bit more hand holding. One missed the application deadline for scholarship money. And one was invited to apply for a scholarship but never told us and never applied because the application was “very long.”

There were victories and losses along the way, and we did learn something from each successive journey. For example, we tried to prepare ourselves and our kids for the possibility of rejection. And when it came, it was devastating — but thankfully brief. (Yes, there is life after college rejection!)

If I had a sixth child, I think I could really nail this college thing.

Because here is what I know for sure.

1. College admissions is a lottery.

Nothing about college admissions is personal. It’s not a meritocracy; it’s not about who “deserves” to get in. Colleges have business goals, diversity goals, demographic goals, and legacy admits. That year, they may need a swimmer, a trombone player, or some other random skill your kid doesn’t have. They may not win a spot for so many reasons you will never know, but it’s not because they weren’t “good enough.”

2. It’s wise to anticipate some disappointment.

We can’t protect our kids from disappointment in life, and that goes double for the college admissions process. That’s a simple truth. But we can love and support them, and help them build resilience so that they can bounce back. Maybe not in that hour, or even on that day. But eventually. That’s gold star parenting.

3. Set realistic expectations early in the process.

While we can’t protect our kids from disappointment (see #2), there are a few things we can do to set realistic expectations.
• Be clear up front about how much you can afford to pay for college. And be clear that the actual cost will be unknown until the financial aid package arrives. That means your student will need to be 1) admitted and 2) get adequate aid for them to be able to attend. This is a conversation to have before the apply!
• If possible, go visit colleges after they are accepted and after you know that you can afford the school. Until that point, it’s all theoretical. They may love a particular school on paper but hate it in person. Or vice versa. I took my fourth kid to her admitted schools and watched her eyes light up the moment we drove into the school that she ultimately attended.

4. College news is not your news.

Don’t say “we are applying.” And when they find out if it’s a “yes” or a “no,” don’t make that moment a public one. In the case of rejection, why not leave room to cope with the immediate sting of disappointment in private? And if there’s cause for celebration, well — this one is easy. Just celebrate with your family before it goes public, and let your student be the one to share the news. They’re going to college, not you. (Sadly.)

5. There is no “right” way to say goodbye.

Parents have a wide range of reactions to sending their child to college. Some have been excitedly waiting for the day while others have been dreading the passage of time leading to this moment. I wept with despair when we dropped off my youngest. Others I know felt guilty about not feeling sad enough. There are no wrong feelings here.

Facing an empty nest when you return from drop off? Here’s the best advice I received from friends with older kids: plan a treat. A weekend away, or a staycation. A romantic dinner or girls’ night out. A road trip to visit with family or friends. Yes, I wept. Then my husband and I went to visit some of our kids. And magically, we adjusted to enjoying a new stage of life! … After a few visits with my therapist.

Susan Borison is the founder and editor in chief of Your Teen Media, and queen of the college rodeo. She is still learning how to say goodbye to her adult children without crying.

Teens and young adults can be especially vulnerable to dating violence. Unlike most of their older counterparts, they’re still new to the world of romantic relationships and may not yet have a clear understanding of their own boundaries and what they should accept from a partner. 

“Red flags in relationships come in many forms,” explains Jillian Amodio, MSW and founder of Moms For Mental Health. And while they don’t always mean that a relationship is doomed, she explains that they are very important to address. “Common red flags include love bombing, abuse of any kind, obsession, jealousy, pressure, lying, and manipulation.” 

Here are five things you should talk to your kids about before they start dating — and some tips about what you should do if you and your teen are already seeing these signs. 

Love bombing

The phrase love bombing has become a buzzword in recent years but it’s actually a typical part of a pattern of abuse, according to Amodio. “If relationships are characterized by really high highs and really low lows, that’s a sign of a pattern you don’t want to be caught in,” she says, adding that while we may all have good days and bad days, generally relationships should feel stable, predictable, and maintain a firm sense of mutual respect. 

“If a partner is easily angered or triggered, regularly behaves in abusive or erratic ways, or engages in behavior that is manipulative and disrespectful, only to be followed by lavish displays of affection, professions of love, profuse apologies, and gifts that’s called love bombing.” 

Obsessive tendencies

Early days of infatuation can come across as endearing, especially when they’re accompanied by those tell-tale butterflies, but they can also quickly turn into an obsession if not kept in check. “Obsession is sometimes cleverly disguised as immense love and flattery, but if it feels like too much, it probably is,” Amodio explains. 

Teens experiencing this may feel like they’re under surveillance or notice that their partner seems to show up everywhere they go. Obsessive tendencies can also present in the way they communicate and may look like frequent calls or texts. 

“Relationships should be built on trust, and each person in the relationship should also feel like they have the freedom to exist as an individual as well,” she continues. If you see a partner who is engaging in obsessive behaviors, even if your child is the one doing it, it may be an indication that they won’t be able to pull back enough from their obsession to respect boundaries. 

Jealousy

Amodio mentioned that some red flags could be an indication of immaturity, and jealousy seems to be one of them. “Sometimes this can be managed with open communication, and sometimes it is remedied with maturity, however, jealousy can quickly become a big problem,” she says, adding that mutual trust and respect are bedrocks when it comes to the foundation of a healthy relationship at any age. 

Being pressured to do things they don’t want to

No one should never feel pressured to do anything that makes them feel uncomfortable, and that’s especially true when it comes to romantic partners. “This can be anything from holding hands and kissing, to saying I love you, having sex, going to someone’s house, attending a party, or engaging in risky behaviors such as alcohol and drug use,” Amodio explains. Remind your teen, “You have the right to say no to anything that makes you feel uncomfortable, and your voice should be respected without pushback. A partner should never try to guilt, coerce, shame, force, pressure, or convince you to do something that you are not ready for, do not like, or that makes you uncomfortable in any way.”

She adds that teens should also be reminded that their answer is allowed to change. “If you say yes to something once, twice, or a thousand times, and then decide that you don’t want to do that anymore, you have every right to change your mind,” she says. 

Preventing them from having their own interests

Healthy relationships are also those in which each partner encourages the other to pursue their own interests, passions, and goals, which is why Amodio says this can be a major red flag with younger relationships. “Your teen should not be discouraged from pursuing dreams (such as attending a different school than your partner), hobbies, or interests just because their partner doesn’t like them or doesn’t want them to.” 

What to do if you see worrying signs in your teen

The first thing you should remember is that there’s no need to panic. “Your teen must know that you will be a safe, supportive refuge when they are ready to confide in you and seek help,” explains Melissa Hannan, associate marriage and family therapist. “If they do not trust that you can do this for them, they may feel their only option is to try to fix their problems on their own, leading to worse and worse decisions.” 

Even when you’ve had conversations about red flags and healthy relationships, your teen may still have a hard time managing their social experiences because their brains are still developing. “They will not have a fully formed prefrontal cortex (the logical, planning part of the brain) until their mid-twenties. As much as they believe they are adults, you as the parent have to remember that they are working with incomplete software that will weigh the scales towards impulsive, emotional decisions.” 

The best way to help is to avoid shaming them, and do everything you can to assure your teen that you will not be mad at them or disappointed in them, or will punish them if they come to you about mistakes they made in their relationship. “An abusive partner will likely push your teen’s boundaries, and over time get your teen to engage in questionable activities that the teen will not want to tell you about. This gives the abuser power. The antidote to this power is a teen believing that their parents will prioritize their mental and emotional well-being over the specific actions the teen might have engaged in.”

When to get help

Hannan specializes in trauma and post-traumatic stress disorder, so she has a unique insight into when parents and caregivers need to call in the experts. “Seek professional help from a therapist that specializes in trauma and abusive relationships if you notice a significant change to your teen’s behavior that is sustained for more than a few weeks,” she says, explaining that this could present as lowering self-esteem, dropping grades, and/or withdrawal from friends or family. 

“One thing parents can do on their own is to learn about healthy relational boundaries. I highly recommend the book Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself by Nedra Glover Tawwab,” she says, adding that adults should educate both themselves and their teens on how to set and maintain healthy boundaries. “Good boundary-setting skills and strong, loving families are an abuser’s kryptonite.”

Board-certified lactation consultant Leigh Anne O’Connor tells SheKnows that not only is co-sleeping safe when practiced correctly; it actually decreases the SIDS risks if the parent is nursing the co-sleeping baby. “The baby and their breastfeeding parent attune to each other in a specific way when they are breastfeeding. The baby picks up the breathing pattern of their parent,” O’Connor explains. As for co-sleeping with older kids? Well, there’s really not much of a risk at all there — other than, you know, a potential kick to the eye and/or a dent in your sex life.

And although co-sleeping has spurred major debate, there are plenty of celebs who swear by it for reasons as varied as the families themselves. Plus, co-sleeping is just one spoke of the whole attachment parenting wheel — along with practices like extended breastfeeding, baby-led weaning, and baby-wearing — that hopes to encourage family bonding and closeness in a safe, natural way. Who can argue with that? (You can, of course — but if you choose to do so in the comments, please do it kindly. Alanis Morissette may be watching.)

A version of this story was originally published in March 2016.